


The Adventures Of Mr & Mr Snape

by Doctor_Who_Cares



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Bananas, Dialogue Heavy, Dialogue-Only, Domestic Fluff, Even Snape Says So, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Fluff and Smut, Insecure Severus Snape, M/M, OOCness, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, flangst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-18
Updated: 2019-02-14
Packaged: 2019-03-06 14:25:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 62
Words: 35,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13413177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Doctor_Who_Cares/pseuds/Doctor_Who_Cares
Summary: The title says it all - the married life of Severus Snape & Harry Potter-Snape.Each chapter will have a short stand-alone drabble, some fluffy, some cracky & some smutty.





	1. Mr & Mr Snape: Banana Peel

"No seriously! I heard it doesn't work."

 

"You're right... this can only end well."

 

Harry was bent over placing a banana peel meticulously on the floor. Once he deemed it perfect he straightened up dusting himself off. He and Severus had been having an argument over whether or not you can slip on a banana peel. Harry upon seeing Severus eating a banana had casually stated that you can't really slip on a banana peel, Severus just said he didn't believe it and went back to eating his banana. Harry had got quite defensive and decided to prove him wrong.

 

"What if it does work? You're going to hurt yourself."

 

"It _won't_. You worry too much."

 

"Said every Griffindor ever."

 

"Just watch, will you."

 

"Fine, but I'm not helping you if you're wrong."

 

Harry just rolled his eyes taking a few steps back before running up and putting his foot straight on the peel.

 

He barely managed to let out a scream before he slid forwards on one foot and falling back. He braced himself for the painful landing he was expecting but instead found a large comfy cushion underneath him. Looking up confused he saw Snape putting his wand away smirking slightly.

 

"Well, you certainly proved me wrong." He sneered sarcastically.

 

"Thought you said you weren't going to help me."

 

"Yes, well I'm quite fond of the ass you were just about to bruise."

 

"Oh well, as long as my ass is okay." Harry huffed crossing his arms.

 

"Alright," Snape flopped down on the cushion as well, nearly bouncing Harry off. "I'm glad you're alright too. But next time you try to prove me wrong maybe go about it in a less ridiculous way."


	2. Mr & Mr Snape: Poetic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Snape is NOT a romantic.

_I **want** to belong to him. I **choose** it. I **choose** to wear this collar. I **choose** to kneel before him. I **choose** to serve. To obey. _

_  
I d o n't need someone to love me because of my scar but someone who will love in spite of it. Someone who undestands the burden this scar is but won't leave because it's hard. Someone who sees past it to the real me and still wants me._

_  
Someone who doesn't lavish me with attention because I saved the world, but because they want to because they love me._

_  
I let him br eak me, take me apart, because I trust him with all my heart to put me back together again. To pull me close and tell me how much I mean to him, tell me how well I did and how proud I've made him and be secure in the knowledge that if I look into his eyes, **really** look, I know I will see nothing but the truth. I will see the love, the pride and the respect. _

_  
Because he does respect me. Respects my decision to decline his advances, he respects me by sto p ping or slowing down when I say so and trusts me to tell him when it's too much. A trust that I will endeavour not to br eak ._

_  
But I love him. I love what we have. I lo v e it all because it's my **choice** . The only thing I ever chose or ever could choose, because I need him more than I need air and food and water combined. He's like an addiction, I can feel him deep inside my veins, I'll never get rid of him but that's okay because I never want to. _

_  
He is my safe place, somewhere I can go when life's too much. His arms are always open, ready to hold me, sheild me from the rest of the world. No one can hurt me in his arms. No one would **dare** . I can stay there as long as I need or want to, without worrying that he will push me away for saying the wrong thing because he will never do that, only ever hold me tighter. _

_  
So yes, I married the greasy bat, the death eater, the traitor, the man who killed D umbledore. I don't care because none of those men are the real Severus Tobias Snape that I know and will always love._

 

 

"So?"

 

"You big poof."

 

"Not the reaction i expected. I thought you'd think it was sweet."

 

"Now, I didn't say it wasn't sweet."

 

"You _really_ think it's sweet?"

 

"Positively tooth rotting. Mind if I put it on the fridge?"

 

"Now you're definitely joking."

 

"No. I want anyone who comes here to see what a lovely, if slightly poetic, husband I have."

 

"Thought you said it was gay."

 

"I never said that was a bad thing. My favourite person in the world happens to be gay."

 

"Who's that then?"

 

"Stephen Fry."

 

"Again, not the answer I expected you fucking troll!"

 

"Alright _maybe_ it's you."

 

"You know I could rip the end off this and write someone else in."

 

"Okay then it's definitely you. Now, come snuggle in your safe place."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you don't know who Stephen Fry is, where have you been? He is a GOD among men!


	3. Mr & Mr Snape: Nail Painting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry finds out something surprising about Severus... & he kind of likes it.

Harry walked into the bedroom. He'd came home from work early and couldn't wait to surprise his husband. He stopped short at the sight of Severus sitting on the bed cross legged with a tray on his lap painting his nails. He jumped when he saw Harry, blushing a little.

 

"Harry! I didn't think you'd be back so soon."

 

"Yeah I got off early. I wanted to surprise you..." An awkward silence settled around them. Harry stared at Severus' nails while Severus looked anywhere but at Harry.

 

"Will you let me see?"

 

"You want to _see_?" He asked shocked. He thought Harry would at best turn around and pretend he didn't see anything, or at worst leave and never come back.

 

"Yeah!... Unless it's private, I totally understand."

 

"It's okay." Snape replied, holding out his hand to Harry, only now looking at his face for any signs of disgust - to his surprise Harry was smiling.

 

"They're nice. The black _really_ suits you. Have you ever thought of growing them longer?"

 

Snape just stared at him; not only did he not look ready to run away, Harry was complimenting him and taking an interest.

 

"Thanks. I have thought of growing them," He'd never said these things out loud before and found himself feeling strangely nervous. _'_ _I_ _t's just Harry_ ' he reminded himself. "But making potions involves a lot of things with your hands and they'd probably just break constantly."

 

"True. It's a shame though. You should wear them black all the time."

 

"I... do."

 

"How have I never noticed before?" Harry asked in disbelief.

 

"I charmed them so people wouldn't see."

 

"Even _me_?" Harry looked slightly affronted.

 

"I'm sorry." Harry's heart melted completely forgeting his earlier indignence.

 

"It's okay, I thnk I understand why."

 

"So you don't mind?"

 

"Of course not! They're your nails. I would like to see them painted more, even if it's just when we're alone. If that's okay with you."

 

"I'd like to share it with you." He wasn't lying he'd always wanted to tell someone and he hated hiding things from Harry. He just didn't feel he could trust anyone enough. People already made fun of his hair for being long, saying it was ' _girly_ '.  W hat would they say if they found out he liked to paint his nails too. There were several times when he'd thought about telling Harry but he'd always talked himself out of it, thinking Harry would leave and he'd ruin the only good thing he ever had. He realised he'd been wrong about it now.

 

"I'm glad." Harry replied cuddling up to Severus.


	4. Mr & Mr Snape: Mornings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dialogue only.
> 
> Despite years of marriage, Harry can still gross Snape out.

"I'm so tired."

 

"Yes well, to get eight hours of sleep you need to _go_ to sleep eight hours before you need to wake up."

 

"Wow. Thanks. That's _really_ helpful. Why don't you impart more of your infinite wisdom when I'm not running late."

 

"It's your own fault."

 

"Are you sure 'cause _I'm_ not the one that said ' _round seven?'_ "

 

"No, but you are the one that said yes."

 

"Don't know _what_ you're talking about."

 

"That is _repulsive!_ Go get a fresh pair."

 

"What part of _late_ don't you understand?"

 

"The part where you can't just go to the other room and put a clean pair of pants on or borrow a pair of mine."

 

"It's fine! I've put them on now. I'll be even later if I faff around taking them off again."

 

"Well, you won't have to worry about being late tomorrow! You can sleep as much as you like because _I'm_ not coming near you if you're going to be so disgusting."

 

"You don't think I can woo you in my gross old germy underwear?"

 

"You're right... what _was_ I thinking? And with dirty talk like that, I'm surprised I'm able to keep myself from jumping on you."

 

"I thought it was pretty dirty."

 

"Okay, you and your puns are gonna be late for work."

 

"Bet you wish I could stay here all day."

 

"Yes, then maybe you'd get some laundry done."

 

"Very funny. Bye Severus."

 

"Bye love."


	5. Mr & Mr Snape: Muggle Films

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry notices a striking similarity between his husband & a certain actor...
> 
> Dialogue only.

"You look _just_ like him."

 

"I look _nothing_ like him."

 

"You even _talk_ like him."

 

"And what exactly is _that_ supposed to mean."

 

"You know, the talking without letting your lips touch your teeth, and taking so long to get to the end of a sentence."

 

"I don't do that."

 

"Yes, you _really_ do... you are so dramatic - just admit it, you look so alike."

 

"I'll admit I look like this Alan Rickman person if _you_ admit you look like the one from ' _H_ _orns_ _'_."

 

"He looks nothing like me! At least _your_ double doesn't have horns."

 

"I don't know. I think you'd look good with horns and what about 'Woman In Black', he doesn't have horns there."

 

"Okay fine! I guess that - _from certain angles_ \- I could - _maybe_ - look a little bit like him."

 

"I don't know why you're complaining so much, at least I chose someone hot! Mine's just... old."

 

"Your's is _so_ much hotter than mine and you _are_ old.. in fact I think he's younger than you."

 

"Oh well, thank you very much!"

 

"That's okay, I don't care how old you are but I admitted I looked like Daniel Radcliffe so now you do it."

 

"Alright, I look like Daniel Radcliffe."

 

"Very funny."

 

"Fine! Alan Rickman looks like me."

 

" _Really?_ "

 

"What? If you're going to make me admit there's two of me out there I'm at least being the original."

 

"You're _so_ petty."

 

"You're realising this now?"

 

"For the record though, there is definitely only one of you - I don't think the world could handle another."


	6. Mr & Mr Snape: Harry Is (Not) Short

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry is NOT short! He's just a bit... vertically challenged.

"That bloody bastard." Harry moaned, looking up at the biscuit tin sitting tauntingly on the top shelf. They felt miles away to Harry as he stood on his tip toes, reaching as high as he could.

 

"You _fucking_... stupid..."

 

"Is there a reason you're insulting the biscuit tin?" Snape asked, walking into the kitchen and stopping next to Harry.

 

"You're right. It's not fair to take it out on the innocent biscuit tin, when _you're_ the git who put it so high up in the first place."

 

"The point is that you can't reach it. Wasn't it you that said you wanted to cut down? I'm just trying to help."

 

"I just  _said_ I wanted to cut down... I never actually  _meant_ it. Besides, didn't you say I looked fine?"

 

"Yes, and you still do but if you want a biscuit that bad I can get it down for you."

 

" _No_. I don't need your help." Harry huffed, crossing his arms.

 

"Alright then, my stubborn little love." Severus chuckled, ruffling Harry's hair.

 

"I'm _not_ little." Harry grumbled, as Severus left.

 

*****

 

Severus heard a crash from the kitchen. Sighing, he got up to see what had happened.

 

"Harry get down! You're going to kill yourself."

 

Harry was standing on the kitchen counter, leaning over to the cupboard.

 

"After I've got the... wait what are you... STOP! _GET OFF_!"

 

Severus had grabbed Harry around the middle and pulled him off of the counter, placing him gently on the floor.

 

"Hey! I was trying to do something."

 

"And I was trying to prevent you from breaking your neck!  _I_ will get the biscuits down."

 

"No! I was about to do it until you interrupted me."

 

"I have no doubt you could have got them down, I just believe you'd have killed yourself before getting a chance to enjoy them."

 

Harry narrowed his eyes squaring up to Severus. "I'm going to get very short with you in a minute."

 

Severus' lip quivered, Harry growled in frustration.

 

"You _know_ what I meant."

 

*** * ***

 

' _There he won't find them up there._ ' Severus thought, putting Harry's presents on the top shelf in his potions store cupboard. Harry had already located a few of his presents, as Severus had thought that he wouldn't really need to hide them - he should probably know Harry better by now.

 

' _Even if he finds them he won't be able to reach._ ' Severus smiled.

 

It took Harry a few days but he'd sought them out. ' _Now how do I get to them? I could climb but I'd likely pull everything over, I still can't reach jumping and... oh I know!_ '

 

Harry ran to the bedroom, grabbing his broom - quickly he ran back and mounting it, he lifted into the air. He hovered in place not holding on to the broom but instead groping at packages.

 

"Harry! What on _earth_ are you doing?"

 

Harry threw the presents back like they were on fire and tried to think of any way he could play this off.

 

*** * ***

 

"I'm _not_ happy." Harry whined, standing in the doorway.

 

"Which one of the dwarfs are you then?" Severus asked, flipping through a copy of potions weekly.

 

"Very funny."

 

*** * ***

 

"Oh my god! I can't believe that bitch." Harry snarled, Severus sighed going over to Harry who was reading the Daily Prophet.

 

"What has she written this time?" He asked, looking down.

 

_'Harry Snape, formerly Harry Potter, 5'3 Boy-Who-Lived and Saviour of the Wizarding World was caught...'_

 

Severus frowned, it wasn't great but it certainly wasn't the worst thing ever - if anything it was just a slow news day.

 

"What's wrong? This is pretty tame for Skeeter."

 

Harry jabbed his finger into the paper. "5'3?! _5'3?!_ Where does she get off saying I'm 5'3? I'm _clearly_ not that small! I'm 5'6!"

 

"Really Harry? Of all the things this woman has said about you?"

 

"This. Is. _Important_. If she's gonna write about me she should at least get it _right_."

 

"Alright, alright fine. But you should at least be truthful too."

 

"What is _that_ supposed to mean?"

 

"You're 5'5."

 

"That's what I said."

 

"You said 5'6."

 

"Does it matter?"

 

"Apparently."


	7. Mr & Mr Snape: Fuck Dumbledore!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, on the bad nights, Harry hates Dumbledore a little.

Sometimes I think Dumbledore was brave, a hero sacrificing himself to save everyone else. Then there's the other times – the times when I wake up to the sound of screaming next to me, when I know Severus is having the dreams again.

 

At the end of the war we were all pretty scarred - Severus more so than anyone else. The things he was made to do by both sides. He has several nightmares. Sometimes it's the near fatal bite from Nagini, he whimpers when he has that one and whispers my name. Sometimes he's being tortured by Voldemort again, he doesn't make noise during that one just convulses on the bed. Occasionally he'll dream of the people he was forced to kill or hurt - when he has those dreams he won't look at me for ages.

 

But when he's screaming I know he's dreaming of killing Dumbledore, and I can't help thinking that maybe I'm wrong. That Dumbledore wasn't brave or a hero, after all who was _really_ making the sacrifice? He wasn't the one who had to live on knowing he'd killed the only person who ever seemed to truly care for him, he's not the one who's ostracised by people who don't know the full story, he doesn't wake up screaming apologies.

 

But no, he's dead by Severus' hand and he'll never know what he did. Dumbledore wasn't stupid though, he knew the man didn't want to do it ' _please Severus_ ' it wasn't a plea for his life but for his death. He knew what it would do to him, how it would tear him up inside, but forced him to do it anyway.

 

No... the only sacrifices Dumbledore ever made were that of other people. So he's not the hero and neither am I, the real hero is the man who suffered so much and continues to suffer. The man who risked his life countless times and saved mine more times than I'd care to admit, who carries the weight of the world on his shoulders and will never get any recognition he wouldn't even ask for it. Severus.


	8. Mr & Mr Snape: Some Things Never Change

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Complete, cracky silliness... sorry!

Harry sat staring as Severus, Hermione and Ron rolled their eyes at him and continued to eat their lunch. Finally Harry turned to Hermione.

 

"Will you go ask if he likes me?"

 

"Harry, that's your _husband_."

 

"Yeah but can you..."

 

*** *** *****

 

Severus was sitting with a handful of teachers, the only ones he could stand, when he saw Harry watching him.

 

"Do you think he likes me?" He whispered to Flitwick, nodding over to Harry.

 

"Probably Severus, you've been married for six years."

 

"Ssssh, he's coming over - pretend I said something funny."


	9. Mr & Mr Snape: Fears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's always something new to learn in a relationship.
> 
> Dialogue only.

"I _still_ can't believe you're scared of them."

 

"They're scary, alright?" Harry shivered just thinking about them.

 

"If you think a pillock in a stripy shirt and face paint is scary..."

 

"They're clowns that you can't hear coming. What's not scary about that?"

 

"True. Actually that's a point – you're not scared of clowns... Are you?"

 

"No. Mimes. _Just_ mimes."

 

"And Dementors."

 

"Well yes, them too."

 

"Haha. Imagine a Dementor trapped behind an invisible wall."

 

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!" Harry shouted, leaping onto Severus and holding on as if he'd been told there was one right behind him.

 

"You were looking for a Halloween costume. Dementor with a heavy balloon! People will love it."

 

"I hate you."

 

"And maybe a beret."

 

"I _really_ hate you."

 

"Aww. I love you to sweetie."


	10. Mr & Mr Snape: Board Games

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry just wants to finish a game, Severus has other ideas.

"£500." Severus stated holding out his hand. Harry sighed, looking at his money and trying to count it - he'd landed on Severus' hotel for like, the hundredth time in a row, while Severus hadn't landed on any of Harry's sad little houses.

 

"I only _have_ £400. " Harry groaned.

 

"That's a shame." Severus smirked. "Looks like I win." Harry _really_ didn't want Severus to win - he was _such_ a bastard when he won anything. Well that wasn't quite true - he was always a bastard, just more so when he won things.

 

"What if I pay you £100 and give you a blow-job?"

 

Severus paused, resting a long finger on his lip. "£400 for one blow-job." He shook his head. "That's hardly enough."

 

"What else?" Harry sighed.

 

"Rim-job and a blow-job."

 

"Fine." Harry huffed handing over his hundred.

 

"Pleasure doing business with you."

 

"You know this makes you a perv that pays for sex right?"

 

"And what would this make _you_?" Severus raised an eyebrow.

 

"Unwilling." Harry crossed his arms. Severus chuckled and leaned over to kiss him.

 

" _Liar_."

 

"Maybe. What are you doing?" Severus was now kissing down Harry's neck, while rubbing himself through his clothes.

 

"Just getting what I paid for."

 

"I thought we were going to finish the game first." Harry questioned, but didn't really mind.

 

"Why would I want to win that when you're all the prize I need?"

 

*** * ***

 

"Uuuummmm..."

 

Severus rolled his eyes. "Just put down something."

 

"I can't! I have like, zero helpful letters." Harry tried to think of anything but it was difficult with Severus sitting there so impatiently, and frankly he couldn't blame the man - so far he'd agonised over every turn. Severus had tried to be patient at first even letting him put ' _fuck_ ' down even though he was pretty sure it's not in the dictionary. "Oh, I've got it!" Harry picked up two pieces.

 

"Finally." Severus sneered watching while Harry placed an ' _m_ ' and ' _e_ ' at the end of ' _fuck_ '. "Harry that's not a word." He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

 

" _I_ think it works." Harry shrugged.

 

" _I_ think it's more of a request." Severus smiled deviously.

 

"It might be." Anything was better than scrabble, Harry thought climbing onto Severus.

 

"Well it would be rude of me to deny such an eloquent request." He smirked.

 

*** * ***

 

"No. Every time we try to play a board game we end up fucking."

 

"You say that like it's a bad thing." Severus smirked.

 

"Okay, it's not a bad thing... but it's _really_ annoying that we have never finished a game before one of us is on top of the other."

 

"Have you ever thought it's because the games are boring and pointless, and I find you much more interesting."

 

"Cute, but I'm still not letting you play."

 

"I am _not_ cute." Severus said, in a dangerous tone. "Besides, how do you expect to play by yourself?"

 

"I play with myself all the time."

 

"Really?" Severus smirked.

 

"Shut up. You know what I meant!"

 

"Yes. Apparently board games make you horny." Harry groaned, shaking his head. "It's okay you know, everyone has a weird kink." Severus chuckled.

 

"Yes but you already know all mine... and they aren't board games."

 

"All the evidence is there." Severus teased.

 

"Ugh. Look you know what? It's chess. I don't see how it could end up in sex." Harry finally conceded, letting Severus play.

 

' _Then you have a very limited imagination._ '


	11. Mr & Mr Snape: Collar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry makes a painful miscalculation, Severus makes it all better.

We had tried a collar before, just a shitty one I picked up at a muggle store. I chose it because it was red and said ‘ _K_ _itty_ ’ in gold cursive - I wanted it on me as soon as I saw it. It was a hard plasticky rubber but I still needed it. When I got home I showed it to Severus, asking him to put it on me. He did and I think it's fair to say I wasn't the only one who liked it.

 

Later as we lay in bed curled up and panting, Severus reached up to undo and take off the collar. I stopped him by grabbing his wrists.

 

"Wait! I want to keep it on. So I know I'm safe and that I belong to you during the night."

 

"You don't need a collar to know that I'm right here and won't let anyone harm you, and you belonged to me long before the collar." I smiled, he was right but I still wanted to keep it on.

 

"Please?"

 

"Alright." He conceded. "But we need some sleep now." I nodded, snuggling into him and falling asleep.

 

*** * ***

 

When I woke up I rolled over, immediately regretting the decision as I let out a scream when my neck touched the pillow. Severus was awake, his arms around me and his wand in hand, in less than a second.

 

"What's wrong?" He was almost fully awake and concerned.

 

"My neck hurts." I replied blushing, embarrassed that I'd caused so much panic because of something so stupid. He looked at me for a second then leant down to kiss me.

 

"Let me see." He said. I shifted so he could see better, tilting my head to help his get at the collar. He pulled it back a little and I screamed again, though quieter this time. He let go immediately, stroking my back.

 

"Sit on the edge of the bed pet, I'll be back in just a minute. Okay?" I nodded, wincing as the collar rubbed my sore neck. "Try not to move." He left the room.

 

I could see myself in the mirror on the wardrobe and I reached up to touch the collar, hissing in pain.

 

He tutted when he came back. "Don't _prod_ at it. Honestly." He walked over to me, a bowl floating next to him, a vial and a sponge in his hand. He sat himself behind me on the bed, shuffling back a little, then dipped the sponge into the bowl and pressed it to my neck. The liquid was warm and soothed my aching neck.

 

"It's essence of Murtlap." Severus stated. I nodded, remembering it from my fifth year. "It should help with the pain and make the collar come off easier." He soaked my neck for a while, before kissing my head and murmuring. "I'm sorry."

 

"It's not _your_ fault! I asked you to let me keep it on."

 

"I should have said no."

 

"You _did..._ I begged remember."

 

"I should have kept saying no."

 

"You didn't know this would happen, neither of us did, it was only rubbing a bit yesterday."

 

"It was hurting and you didn't tell me?"

 

"It didn't hurt. Not really. Just rubbed a bit, I figured it was just like new shoes - you've got to wear it in a bit."

 

"Do you often sleep in your shoes?"

 

"No but..." I really didn't have anything to say after that, I was glad when he cut me off.

 

"I'm going to take the collar off now - squeeze my leg if it hurts." I placed my hand on his legs just above the knee and squeezed hard as he undid the collar, peeling it off me. Once it was finally off I watched Severus in the mirror throw the collar into the bin with disgust etched into his face, as if the collar had gone out of its way to hurt me, it made me smile slightly. I stopped smiling when I looked at myself.

 

My neck was white with a thick line of red all the way around, giving the illusion of the collar still being there. But you could tell it wasn't a collar by the blood and the blisters. I had been a bit sad when he threw the collar away - now I realised it probably wouldn't be the same covered in dried blood and things.

 

"This is going to sting a bit." Severus said apologetically, holding up the vial. He poured the potion on to his hands before rubbing it into my neck. After seeing my neck I was surprised he even wanted to be near me let alone touch it with his bare hands, but I couldn't help feeling happy about it too. He was right it did sting. A _lot_. But it was over pretty soon and I had him behind me whispering words of comfort.

 

"It's okay. Just a bit longer. I'm right here. It'll be over soon. You're doing _so_ good." I almost wanted it to keep going regardless of the pain. _Almost_. "Alright all done." He said, leaning down to kiss my neck. My neck was still tender but so were his kisses.

 

*** * ***

 

We spent the rest of the day happily wrapped in each other watching crap muggle TV. Shows that I love but Severus refuses to watch - I think it was his way of apologising, though I still didn't believe it was his fault. But neither of us suggested collars again. I still wanted one but I figured Severus wouldn't want to even look at another, considering the way he looked at the last one.

 

So naturally I was shocked to come home to find what looked like a necklace box on the bedside table.

 

"Severus, what's this?"

 

"I got you a present." He said, as though it was obvious. "Open it." He prompted when I didn't move. I jumped a little, too busy looking at his smile.

 

I opened it to find a collar. A _beautiful_ collar. Much nicer than the one I brought on a whim. It was leather, I could tell by the smell alone it was real. I lifted it out of the box reverently, throwing the box onto the bed. I heard Severus tisk behind me but I didn't pay any attention.

 

"Do you like it?" He wrapped his arms around my stomach, resting his head on mine.

 

I looked at the collar, the leather was real and as soft as butter, the inside was lined with velvet, also real, so it wouldn't chaff, and a metal pendant was attached to the front. I held it up squinting at the elegant print ' _Harry Snape_ ' it read on the front. I turned it the back said ' _This pet belongs to Professor Severus Tobias Snape_.'

 

"I love it!" I said excitedly, turning in his arms to hug him back.

 

"Good. Want me to put it on you?" I nodded happily. "Okay, let me just move the box. I think as soon as that's on you I won't be able to move it before I have you lying on the bed, writhing under me." He murmured the last part into my ear, making me squirm in anticipation.

 

I went to stand by the mirror, I knew I'd want to see him putting it on me. I continued my examination of the collar, noticing a small hole at the back near the buckle. I pressed my finger against the hole thoughtfully.

 

"I didn't know if you'd want to attach a lead, so it's there just in case... we don't have to use it."

 

"Did you buy a lead?" I asked, maybe too eagerly - Severus chuckled.

 

"Not yet, though judging by your reaction I should probably get on to that." I nodded enthusiastically. He took the collar out of my hands, pulling it around my neck. He kissed the back of my head. " _Mine_." He growled possessively.

 

" _Always_."


	12. Mr & Mr Snape: It’s Not My Party But I’ll Fuck If I Want To

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry & Severus are guests at a Weasley party... the decide to make their own fun.

" _Here_?"

 

"Yes, here." Severus had Harry pressed against the spare bedroom door at the burrow. Kissing along his neck and jaw line.

 

"We are guests." Harry hissed, feeling awkward about doing this in someone else's home with several people downstairs.

 

" _You're_ a guest, _I'm_ a plus one."

 

"When are you going to understand people don't just invite you to things because of me."

 

"When are _you_ going to understand that I don't care if your friends like me. As long as you love me that's all I need."

 

"Are you just saying this to get in my pants quicker?"

 

"Don't know. Is it working?"

 

"Maybe."

 

"You've been teasing me all day." Harry smirked - he had been teasing Severus. Deliberately bending over in front of him, sitting on his lap regardless of how many chairs were conjured for the occasion... but for Severus the thing with the icing was the final straw.

 

"Is the door locked?" A metal click rang through the air.

 

"Yes."

 

"I love magic." Harry smiled as Severus pulled off his trousers and underwear for him. He lifted Harry's legs up to wrap around him, having already undone his own trousers. Harry felt his insides lube up for Severus to push his fingers in.

 

"I _really_ love magic." Harry moaned loudly.

 

"Perhaps we should move away from the door." Severus decided. Harry had no concept of being quiet and besides he wasn't sure if the rickety old door could stand them even leaning against it.

 

Still holding Harry he dropped to his knees, before placing Harry on his back and continuing to prepare him. Severus didn't take too much time preparing Harry... just enough so it wouldn't hurt. There wasn't enough time for anything more.

 

"It's a shame we don't have more time. I would have liked to see your lips stretched around my cock licking up my cum the way you were doing with that icing. And honestly I wouldn't but I have to be inside you now." He pushed in quickly starting a hard and fast pace. There was no time for gentle.

 

Severus' hands pushed under Harry's shirt while his lips connected with any bare patch of Harry he could find. Harry grabbed Severus' hair pulling him up from the hickey he was currently sucking on Harry's collar bone pressing their lips together.

 

Harry reached down ready to stroke himself to completion when he heard a voice from outside the door.

 

"Harry dear, is this where you're hiding?"

 

" _Shit_. Mrs Weasley." Harry whispered pushing Severus up, who looked mildly amused but not concerned in the least. He slowed his thrusts but didn't stop. Harry glared at him. Harry wondered what to do. Would she go away if he said nothing? He saw the handle beginning to turn - he knew it was locked but she'd want to know why.

 

"Erm yeAH, Mrs Weasley." He cursed his voice going up when Severus thrust into his prostate. Harry felt like slapping Severus who was looking smug sitting on top of him.

 

"Are you alright?" She asked a note of worry in her voice.

 

"Yes, I just..." He looked at Severus for help as he floundered but Severus wasn't offering any assistance. This was _way_ too fun for him. "I just didn't feel well and with all the people I just... I needed a breather."

 

"That's alright dear. Would you like me to come in?"

 

"Would you like _me_ to cum in?" Severus leaned down whispering in Harry's ear. Changing the meaning entirely.

 

" _Yes_..." Harry moaned forgetting who else he was talking to. "No! No, Mrs Weasley I'm fine... I'll be out in a minute."

 

"That's fine dear, take all the time you need." They heard her footsteps going away.

 

"See! We have her blessing to stay here as long as we want." Murmured Severus, still speaking exclusively into Harry's ear.

 

"I doubt we would if she knew what we were doing."

 

"She's got seven children." Severus reasoned, picking up the pace again.

 

"Just hurry up and get it over with."

 

"I love your dirty talk, it really gets me in the mood."

 

"I don't need to get you in the mood, you are always in the mood."

 

"You love it! You know how insatiable you are."

 

Harry reached down to stroke himself while Severus continued his onslaught of Harry’s prostate.

 

"Fuck." Severus breathed as he and Harry came at the same time.

 

"You know it's a shame." Severus stated, cleaning Harry and himself up and accioing Harry's clothes.

 

"What is?" Harry asked, still a bit pouty and wondering how he was going to look anyone downstairs in the face.

 

"We have to skip over the cuddles."

 

"She _did_ say to take all the time we need…"

 

Severus smiled, sitting behind Harry who was cross legged on the floor. He wrapped his arms around him. “She did say that didn't she?” He rested his head against Harry's shoulder and breathed in deeply.

 

"I don't smell of sex do I?" Harry asked anxiously.

 

"No. Me?" Harry leaned back sniffing.

 

"A little."

 

"Oh well." Severus yawned. "I doubt anyone will get close enough to smell it."

 

"Are you ever going to make friends with them?"

 

"Of course not. Besides, even if I was friends with them I still doubt they would they go around smelling me."

 

"They might."

 

"Then I _definitely_ don't want their friendship."

 

"Okay, they wouldn't but I still wish you got on with them."

 

"I'm civil, isn't that enough?"

 

"No. If this was a class you'd get a T."

 

"Oh come now I'm sure I can raise that grade." Severus' hand ran down Harry's body. "Or at least give one of us a D."

 

"Now," Harry grabbed Severus' wrists. "You're taking the piss. Cuddles are over, we need to go back downstairs to the others."

 

Severus groaned, but stood up regardless. "She only wanted _you_ to go back to the party. I think I'll just stay in here."

 

"Stop being so anti-social." Harry practically shoved him through the door.

 

"We thought he sounded _very_ social. Didn't we, Fred?"

 

"Yeah, probably should have cast a silencing charm." Fred and George smirked, before running down to join the party. Harry had turned bright red, Severus was just laughing.

 

"It's _not_ funny. Who else do you think might have heard?"

 

"Hopefully enough people to get us kicked out of this God forsaken party."


	13. Mr & Mr Snape: Severus Is (Not) Old

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Severus is NOT old... he's vintage!

When the post came there was a strange owl neither of them had seen before. It landed in front of Severus, who took it - opening it his smile grew.

 

"Yes! That's another one down." Severus said, getting up.

 

"Another what?" Harry took the letter Severus had dropped on the table, frowning as he read it.

 

"Severus, this says Killian Deamonne is dead. Who _is_ that?"

 

"No idea. Well, I went to school with him but otherwise..." Severus trailed off as he came back in carrying a book.

 

"What's that?"

 

"Year book. I just need to find..."

 

"Severus! What the _fuck_?!" Harry saw the pages of photos, most of them looking pissed off because someone had drawn a red line over the top of several of them.

 

"There he is." Severus stopped on a page, drawing the familiar red line. He smiled smugly before closing the book.

 

"You cross out the dead ones?!" Harry wasn't sure whether to find it funny or sick.

 

"Yes. So I can keep track. See if I'm winning. If one good thing came out of the war it's that it put me quite far ahead."

 

"Are my parents in there?" Severus looked away. " _Severus_?!"

 

*** * ***

 

Severus walked into the living room from the kitchen where Harry was sitting reading a book on quidditch.

 

"Harry who was... ah, Barnabas the barmy." He answered his own question, before walking back into the kitchen.

 

*** * ***

 

"Are you trying to get _into_ that magazine?" Harry asked, walking in to see Severus sitting reading a Potions Weekly that was about three centimetres away from his face.

 

"I'm _trying_ to read it. I don't remember the print being this small."

 

"Maybe the print’s the same and it's just your eyes."

 

Severus looked away from the magazine to glare up at Harry. ' _Well._ ' Thought Harry. ' _They may not see as well as they used to but they can definitely still send shivers down my spine._ '

 

*** * ***

 

"OH. MY GODDD. You take too long to type."

 

"That's hardly my fault, I'm used to writing."

 

"Well if you used your thumbs and not one finger you might be a little bit quicker."

 

"Thumbs?"

 

"Yeah, the small things on your hands like fingers but shorter and bendier."

 

"I know what they are dunderhead! I just don't know how you expect me to type with them."

 

"Like this." Harry demonstrated, typing a message to Hermione quickly.

 

"Yeah well... your thumbs are smaller."

 

"My thumbs are a normal size!"

 

"Perhaps for a teenage girl."

 

"I swear to... I'm not helping you any more."

 

"I didn't need your help in the first place."


	14. Mr & Mr Snape: Cuddle Jumper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This Christmas' Weasley jumper is something of a surprise.

We join Harry and Severus on a cold Christmas morning. The sky was white and snow was falling gently to the ground. A perfect day for a first Christmas as newly weds...

 

"I don't _use_ wand cases! I like to have mine on hand in case I need it." Severus griped.

 

"It's a good one though."

 

"Well _you_ can have it."

 

"And it was nice of Ron to get you something. He didn't have to."

 

Severus sighed. "I suppose."

 

"Just mention it around him one time. Oh, let's open Mrs Weasley’s next." Harry _loved_ the thought of forcing Severus into whatever jumper she'd decided to knit for him.

 

"Is this going to be one of those hideous jumpers you insist on keeping?" Harry smirked. "Merlin help me."

 

"They're not _that_ bad." Severus raised, an eyebrow clearly unconvinced. "They're _not_. It's Hermione’s you've got to look out for." Harry found one package, raising an eyebrow. "Where's the other one?"

 

"Oh no, what a tragedy - she must have forgotten me." Severus feigned a deep sigh. "Still probably best not to bring it up, don't want to embarrass her."

 

"Where have you put it?"

 

"Honestly! I don't know where it is. But do you _really_ think you'd be able to find something I wanted to hide permanently?"

 

"She wouldn't have forgotten you." Harry searched the presents again, going all the way around the tree. Then he checked the label of his present ' _To Harry and Severus'_. Harry laughed with relief. " _Told_ you she wouldn't forget you. Guess we're sharing a present."

 

"Can't be a jumper then." Severus said, still not sure whether to be relieved yet - just because it's not an ugly jumper doesn't mean it's not another ugly piece of clothing. "How would we even share? Any clothes that would fit me would shallow you whole."

 

"Maybe it's a blanket for snuggles."

 

"As if it wasn't hot enough with you lying on me, now you want to wrap us both in a blanket."

 

"Fine. I'll snuggle with my blanket on my own."

 

"Are you trying to make me jealous of a blanket? A blanket we don't even know _exists_ yet."

 

"Good point." Harry started opening the present. Frowning in confusion he held it up.

 

"So... not a blanket then."

 

"Erm, no... guess not…"

 

It was like a jumper but the body was bigger, and while there was the standard two arm holes there was also the less conventional two head holes. The jumper itself was quite nice - black with a griffin adorning the front and a snake wrapping itself protectively around the griffin. Even Severus had to admit it looked more than just a bit tricky.

 

"I think... it's for both of us." Harry said, pulling it over his head.

 

"You want _me_ to get in there with you?" Harry nodded. "Did you forget the conversation we just had about how much heat you exude?"

 

"You can always take your shirt off before you get in."

 

"I'll be dead before I get in." Severus crossed his arms.

 

" _Please!_ She must have spent so long on it. It's nice. Much better than a blanket for snuggling."

 

"No."

 

"Please."

 

"No."

 

"For me?"

 

"...Fine. But no one else knows... and you take you shirt off too."

 

"Why?"

 

"I _like_ you with your shirt off."

 

"Fair enough." Once their shirts were off they manoeuvred their way in. It wasn't as tight a fit as they thought it would be and was pleasantly soft.

 

"It's actually really fun being this close to you."

 

"Yes... and you can't force me to wear it in public."

 

"Why?" Rather than answer Harry's question with words Severus stood up - Harry who came to about his shoulder was left with his head inside the jumper and an arm sticking up at an angle, as it fought to remain in the sleeve.

 

"Okay I get it. Will you sit down now?" Harry grumbled, his voice muffled. Severus sat back down on the floor chuckling, pulling Harry onto his lap and helping him put his head back through the other hole.

 

"You're right, it is kind of comfortable."

 

"You should see it from the inside." Harry huffed, Severus laughed.

 

"Alright then." He dropped down into the jumper.

 

"Severus what... ohh..." Severus had wrapped his lips around Harry's nipple and was laving it with his tongue, sucking slightly before biting gently.

 

"It's a cuddle jumper not a fucking jumper. Get off!" Harry laughed, pushing at Severus half heartedly.

 

"It has many purposes."


	15. Mr & Mr Snape: Precious

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry wants a pet-name, Severus finds it hard to take it seriously.

Severus was lying in bed reading when I curled up next to him.

 

"Sevy, I think you should give me a pet name."

 

"Call me _Sevy_ again and I'll hit you with this book."

 

"Okay fine, I was just trying it out. But I still want a pet name."

 

"Why? You have a name. It's Harry."

 

"I _know_ that but everyone calls me that - I want something that only _you_ call me." I saw the small smile hurry across his face before he schooled his features again.

 

"Okay." He feigned a heavy sigh. "Like what?"

 

"Like... Honey, Sugar, Flower…"

 

"Eggs, 200g of butter..."

 

I laughed, rolling my eyes. "You get my point though."

 

"Yes. You want a pet name. I'm _really_ rather clever." He huffed, placing his book on the side.

 

"You are." I kissed his cheek. "I could think of one for _you_ too."

 

"No."

 

"Are you sure?"

 

"Immensely. If you want to call me _anything_ that isn't Severus may I suggest Master or Professor Snape."

 

"I am _not_ calling you Professor Snape outside of a scene, and Master isn't really appropriate in public."

 

"I _am_ a Master, of Potions, I worked hard for that title and people rarely use it." He pouted.

 

"You poor soul." I chuckled. "But _really,_ I want a pet name."

 

"Soon I'll be able to call you wifey." He rolled on top of me kissing my neck. I screwed my face up.

 

"I'm _not_ a girl."

 

"Maybe Mrs Snape." He said thoughtfully.

 

"I. Am. Not. _A girl_." I bit the end of his nose playfully.

 

"Hey!" He pulled back rubbing his nose. "That hurt you berk."

 

"Then think of a better name." I leant up to kiss his nose better.

 

*** * ***

 

I woke up to find him looking at me.

 

"Morning Snookums."

 

"Morn... _What_?"

 

"You wanted a pet name." He smirked. "I find Snookums to be a good fit."

 

"I meant it to be serious." I glared at him.

 

"It _is_ serious."

 

"Think of another one." I growled.

 

"My pet name for you isn't up to what you want?"

 

"Just try and use it again." I tried to sound threatening, but it's difficult when you've just woke up. He chuckled.

 

"Alright, no more Snookums, Honey Bun."

 

"I hate you."

 

"Why? I love you, Angel Pie."

 

"I think I just threw up in my mouth."

 

"Muffin? Baby Boy? Pumpkin Juice?"

 

"Why can't you just take it seriously." I was starting to get angry. "I wanted _one thing,_ just _one_ and you had to go and ruin it." He looked a bit guilty but I didn't care, I stormed out of the room heading for the bathroom.

 

I stood facing the mirror, angry and annoyed. He left me for a while to calm down, then I heard the door open. I didn't look up.

 

"I'm sorry." He mumbled, getting closer to me. I turned my face away. He put his head on my shoulder. “I didn't realise how much it meant to you.”

 

"Yeah well, it doesn't matter now. You ruined it."

 

"I know. I'm sorry."

 

I sighed. "I shouldn't have tried to force you to call me something you didn't want to."

 

"It's not that I don't want to. It's that I already have pet names for you."

 

I raised an eyebrow, turning to look at him. "Like what?"

 

"Like Pet, Love, Sweetheart, _M_ _ine_."

 

"Yeah but those are just things you probably call all your lovers."

 

" _Harry_." He held my shoulders looking right into my eyes. “I've never called _anybody_ any of those before. Only you. Only _ever_ you."

 

"Really?"

 

"Of course." He wrapped his arms around me. "Whenever someone asked I'd just go with something stupid like babe, I never did it unprompted. But if you'd still like one I think I have one that would suit."

 

"Not Snookums?" I said into his chest.

 

"No, not that." He laughed. "How about Precious... because that's what you are to me."

 

"Anyone who says you're not just the cutest thing doesn't know what they're talking about."

 

"I'm _not_ cute."

 

"Yes you are. Absolutely adorable." I turned the tap on, splashing him with water.

 

"Do you _really_ want to start this?"

 

"I'm pretty sure I already started this." I smirked.

 

"Alright then Precious, it’s on."


	16. Mr & Mr Snape: It Made More Sense At The Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry & Severus play a game with Ron & Hermione.

"No, it's a great game! It's all about firsts, look." Hermione reached into the hat, pulling out a piece of paper. "First place you kissed?"

 

Ron went to answer but Harry cut him off.

 

"I can answer that one for you Ron - in the Chamber of Secrets when there was a _fucking_ _war_ going on." Ron's ears went red.

 

"Really?" Severus asked.

 

"It made more sense at the time." Ron mumbled.

 

"Your turn." Hermione held out the hat to Harry, who reached in.

 

"First words as a married couple?"

 

"Is that not just ' _I do_ '?" Ron asked.

 

"No _after_ that bit." Hermione rolled her eyes.

 

"You said ' _C_ _an we go home yet?_ '." Harry suggested.

 

"That wasn't immediately after the ceremony." Severus crossed his arms. "We barely got to see anything of each other the whole time we were there."

 

"You're _still_ bitter." Harry laughed. "But you're right, you only asked if we could leave after the cake at least."

 

"Exact…"

 

"Oh! I've got it! You said ' _T_ _ouch me with that cake and I'll hurt you._ '"

 

Hermione and Ron turned to Severus.

 

"It made more sense at the time." He shrugged.

 

"He was certain I was going to put cake on his face." Harry explained.

 

"It's not like that thought was born out of nothing! You kept saying you were going to."

 

"Nah, that doesn't sound like me. Ron?" He held the hat towards Ron, changing the subject quickly.

 

"First time you made your partner cry? What like _ever_?"

 

"How many times have you made her _cry_?!" Severus asked, disapprovingly.

 

"I think he means before or after the relationship started." Harry explained, Ron nodded.

 

"And I still go back to my earlier question of how many times have you made her cry?"

 

"Not _that_ many. I just wasn't sure. But yeah, it was Halloween of our first year. She nearly got killed by a troll."

 

"I thought you went looking for that troll?"

 

Hermione blushed. "I just didn't want to tell the teachers the truth."

 

"You could still have said you were using the facilities, it's not like you shouldn't _be_ in the girls toilets."

 

The three looked at each other, wondering why they hadn't said that in the first place.

 

"It made more sense at the time." Hermione was still blushing.

 

"Where were you when you when we were coming up with that lie?" Ron laughed.

 

"If memory serves I was either there being lied to or being mauled by a bloody three-headed dog." Harry and Ron laughed.

 

"Severus, your turn." Hermione turned the hat towards him.

 

"Your first pet name for your partner?"

 

"You can't count any of the mean ones from school." Ron said quickly.

 

"What about ‘Pint-sized Celebrity’? That one’s not that bad."

 

"Doesn't count." Hermione shook her head.

 

"The first one..." Severus closed his eyes leaning back in thought before smirking.

 

"No, not that one." Harry put his head in his hands.

 

"It's the first one." Severus laughed.

 

"What is it?" Ron and Hermione asked together on the edge of their chair.

 

"Snookums." They all burst out laughing, except Harry who slid down in his chair hoping the floor would swallow him.

 

"Mate, you're _never_ living this down. You're gonna be Snookums for the rest of your life."

 

"I didn't ask to be called... Snookums."

 

"Actually you did."

 

"You asked him to call you _that_?!"

 

"It made sense at the time... but no - _I_ just wanted a cute pet name, _you_ decided that should be Snookums."

 

"I thought it suited you."

 

"It doesn't and it wasn't a serious one or anything, he was just being a nob."

 

"Should I do one of the others if that answer didn't satisfy you."

 

" _No_! No it's fine!"

 

"I wanna hear more."

 

"Well there was..." Severus was cut off by Harry who had jumped onto his lap, covering Severus' mouth with his own. Ron and Hermione just laughed rolling their eyes at each other.

 

"Let him up for some air, Harry." Hermione finally proclaimed. Harry leant back.

 

Severus smiled. "As I was sayin..." Harry's mouth was back over his own.

 

"Oi, Snookums! You're just giving him incentive now." Harry and Severus just ignored them, too engrossed to care.

 

"We'll just... go." Hermione stood, pulling Ron who was quickly downing his drink. "We'll firecall you tomorrow."


	17. Mr & Mr Snape: The Sound Of A Baby’s Laugh [Child Care Pt. 1]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry might have forgotten to mention something to his husband.

Severus had heard it said that a child's laughter was the most beautiful thing in the world. Whoever had came up with this clearly had never been woken up by it at three in the morning, complete with the knowledge that they did. Not. Have. A. Baby.

 

"Harry, wake up."

 

"Hmm... shh." Severus rolled his eyes, climbing out of bed before casting a shield around it so no one could attack his sleeping husband. He went to go check on the noise.

 

' _Who would sneak into someone's house with a baby?_ '

 

He held his wand out, seeing lights on in the living room and hearing faint voices. He crept slowly to the door reaching out to open it quietly.

 

"SEVERUS! WHY THE HELL IS THERE A SHIELD ROUND THE BED?"

 

Severus took a breath; well there went the element of surprise. He went to open the door and stun the intruders quickly but the door opened on him instead. He jumped back so as to not get hit, and Ron peered round the door.

 

"Severus, what are you doing up?"

 

Severus narrowed his eyes at him. "Some idiots broke into my house." He growled, storming into the living room to find Hermione holding a quietly crying baby in her arms.

 

"Sorry to wake you Severus, but our portkey leaves at five. Harry said he'd be awake."

 

Severus looked around taking in the bags, not enough for three people... about enough for one. For one child.

 

"HARRY!" He marched into the bedroom where Ron was currently standing next to the bed and Harry still sat trapped. "Out." Ron was just a blur in his haste to leave the room.

 

"Why am I…"

 

"Do you have something you would like to tell me Harry?"

 

Harry crossed his arms. "I'm not talking to you through a shield."

 

"Why did you not find it pertinent to mention that we would be looking after Ron and Hermione's child?"

 

"I... Why am I trapped in my own bed?"

 

"Because you wouldn't wake up when I thought there were intruders in the house, and I wasn't going to leave your lazy ass unprotected. Now answer my question."

 

"I forgot, alright. I didn't know it was today."

 

"But you knew before. You agreed to do it without consulting me."

 

"Well I thought you'd be opposed to the idea."

 

"So you thought you'd go through with it behind my back?" Harry looked away, not wanting to meet his eye. "And what part did you think I'd be opposed to exactly? Looking after a child or helping out a friend?" Severus sounded angry and hurt.

 

"I don't know! I should have asked alright - is that what you want me to say?" Severus sighed, waving his wand to take the shield down, then walking back to the three in the living room.

 

"It's alright, we'll just get going. Molly would be thrilled to look after Rose." Hermione began apologetically. Severus waved his hand dismissively.

 

"It is fine. I have no problem looking after her, I'm sure she'll be a nice change from the bratty child I usually deal with. I just would have preferred some advance warning.

 

Hermione nodded. "Of course you would. We'd thought he told you."

 

Ron hummed in agreement and checked his watch. "We're going to be late."

 

"You _really_ don't mind?"

 

Severus smiled. "Not at all." That wasn't _entirely_ true - he'd much prefer to not have to look after a baby - but Harry had clearly wanted to do this, enough that he'd decided to go behind his back and spring it on him, so he couldn't say no and it wasn't exactly fair for Ron and Hermione to miss their trip. It's not like it would be forever and he fully intended to make sure Harry did most of the work, since it was his fault.

 

People always assumed things about Severus. Several people would probably be surprised for instance to learn the Severus actually didn't hate kids. Yes, he hadn't wanted to be a teacher - but it was a mixture of not getting the teaching post he wanted, having to stay somewhere with so many unpleasant memories and still waiting to be called back upon to spy on a lunatic, that had made him bitter and resentful - it had nothing to do with the children. He didn't hate them more or less so than the other teachers. He was actually quite kind and patient with his Snakes.

 

Harry came in at this point. Hermione slapped his arm. "You said you'd told him. You said he was fine with it."

 

"Don't start lecturing him, we'll miss the portkey. Bye Rosie." Ron leant over her baby carrier wiggling his fingers in her face.

 

"I've written out all the instructions." Hermione held out scroll of parchment. "And she hasn't slept since her nap so she should sleep soundly now. I think that's all. Bye Rose." Hermione leant down to kiss her. "Be good. Bye you two. Thank you for this." She kissed Harry's cheek and nodded at Severus.

 

"Thanks." Ron disappeared into the green flames in the fireplace, followed shortly by his wife. Harry rocked the carrier. lulling Rose to sleep.

 

"Finished sulking now?" Severus broke the silence.

 

"I wasn't sulking."

 

"Right." Severus pulled out a chair, transfiguring it into a cot. Harry went to lay Rose down while Severus took out the scroll letting it unravel to the floor.

 

Harry smirked at the look Severus gave it. "You're regretting it already."

 

"Am I really that readable?"

 

"You're supposed to say ' _no of course not._ '"

 

"Why? It's not like _I_ got us into this."

 

"You could have said no. Mrs Weasley would have taken her." Harry was looking down at the sleeping girl as though he'd have to say goodbye soon.

 

"And miss out on you mothering her to death? _Never_."

 

"I'm sorry I didn't ask," Harry still didn't look up to meet Severus' eye. "It's unfair for me to make decisions like this and I shouldn't have assumed you'd say no."

 

"I wouldn't have said no if you really wanted to."

 

"I know. But it also felt weird, you know... bringing up kids."

 

"We _are_ married."

 

"I know but we're…"

 

"Just as likely to have kids as anyone else. We just have to go about it in a different way."

 

"You'd like some then?"

 

"Merlin Harry! I'm to young to be thinking about things like that, I'm in the prime of my life."

 

Harry nudged him. "Dumbass." He laughed fondly.

 

"I've never really thought about it, and right now isn't exactly the time, but if it's something you want I'd be willing. You know I live to make you happy." He lowered into a mock bow.

 

" _Such_ a dumbass."

 

"I don't think Hermione would approve of you saying things like that around Rose."

 

"You're right. You think she heard?"

 

"I think she's asleep. Unless you're talking about Hermione then maybe mothers can sense this sort of thing." Harry rolled his eyes laughing Severus yawned. "Why on earth did they book such an early portkey?"

 

Harry shrugged. "Cheap?" Was his best guess.

 

"It says here." Severus was once again consulting the scroll. "To have her next to our bed so she can hear our heartbeats and breathing."

 

"Wait! Like in our room next to us?"

 

"Yes…"

 

"Watching us all night?"

 

"Not unless Rose sleeps with her eyes open."

 

"She _might_."

 

"She's not a _fish_ Harry."

 

"Okay. Does this mean sex is off?"

 

"No, she just has to be asleep in the other room. Don't worry, I doubt it will be too hard on your libido."

 

"Hey, you're as insatiable as I am."

 

"I know - we make a great pair. It's a wonder we get anything done. Now let’s move this." He nodded towards the cot. "We'll have to do it ourselves, magic will probably wake her."

 

Harry moved to one end, Severus at the other, and they both lifted up, walking carefully. Rose stirred but didn't wake, she giggled a little in her sleep.

 

"A baby's laugh is the most beautiful sound in the world."

 

' _Ohh. So that's where I heard that before. Makes sense, Harry's always spouting random nonsense. It's ridiculously endearing._ '

 

Severus shrugged. "Doesn't hold a candle to the sound of you moaning out my name when you've come completely undone beneath me."

 

Harry nearly dropped the crib.


	18. Mr & Mr Snape: Civil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Severus tries to be civil but other people make it so hard.

"Can you just _try_ to be civil tonight?"

 

"I'm fine with your friends."

 

"Not them! The other people at the club - you're always so rude to everyone."

 

"Yeah well, I don't like them."

 

"Yes, but sometimes you take it to far with your insults and end up getting punched."

 

"That was _once_."

 

"And you made that woman cry."

 

"I still don't see your point."

 

"Just be nice. Not _too_ nice though... you're still mine."

 

*** * ***

 

"Severus, you go get the next round."

 

"Fine." He groaned getting up and walking to the bar. He leant against it.

 

"I'll be with you after I've served these." The barman nodded to a group of girls. ' _Civil_ ' Severus reminded himself.

 

"That's fine."

 

Another man came to stand next to him, other than moving away from him slightly Severus showed no sign of even realising he was there.

 

"Come here often?"

 

Severus nearly gagged at the line. ' _Civil_ ' "No." ' _Was that civil enough?_ '

 

"Me neither. I don't really go out much. Never really seen the appeal. Glad I did tonight though."

 

"Really?" He feigned interest.

 

"Yeah, or I wouldn't have met a handsome fella like you."

 

"I'm married."

 

The man smirked. "Me too." He held up his hand to show his ring. "But my wife's not here."

 

"My husband is." Severus dead-panned. "Not that I would go with you anyway." He said under his breath.

 

"I _knew_ you were gay." The man smiled, not in the least deterred by the knowledge that Severus was with his husband. "You're too hot to be straight. You look after yourself."

 

"I suppose that explains your face _and_ your marriage."

 

The man frowned but carried on, sure of his tactics. "Looks like this lot might take a while. We could head off somewhere quiet."

 

"What makes you think I'd want to go anywhere with you regardless of the noise level?"

 

"Oh come on. Neither of us really wants to be here." ' _He's not wrong there_.' "Just come with me."

 

"Goodbye." Severus turned around, cursing muggle London for not having a robe to do his usual billow, and went to walk back and relay the story of why they were all going to be thirsty for the rest of the night. When a hand fell down cupping his ass.

 

"Come on darlin'"

 

Severus whipped around and grabbed the hand that lay on his ass, glaring into the man's face. "The only man that's allowed to call me darling or lay a finger on me owns half of my property."

 

The man looked rightly terrified. Trying to back up but his hand was still caught in Severus' grip he could feel the bones of his fingers grind together. ' _Fuck being civil._ '

 

"Perhaps a few broken bones will teach you not to touch what doesn't belong to you." Severus growled. " _Fractum_." He whispered letting go of the hand.

 

The cracking of several small bone breaking simultaneously could barely be heard over the loud dance music, nor the man's cry as he collapsed to his knees holding his hand.

 

" _Severus_!" Harry ran over to him as security suddenly had their hands on Severus, pulling him out. Harry followed.

 

"He's my husband, I'll make sure he gets home." Harry nodded to one of the bouncers. Ron and Hermione had come out to see what was going on.

 

"What happened? They're calling an ambulance." Ron asked.

 

"What the _fuck_ Severus?" Was Harry's question.

 

"I broke his hand." Severus stated calmly.

 

" _Why_?!"

 

"He grabbed my ass, what should I have done?"

 

Harry's face changed to pure hatred. "You should have come to me so _I_ could have sorted him out." Ron and Hermione stepped back, never seeing him this angry before.

 

Severus however chuckled, pulling him into a hug. " _Civil_. Remember? I think I did pretty well on my own."

 

"Severus, he could press charges."

 

"He won't. He wouldn't want his wife finding out he fucks men in clubs. Besides he sexually harassed me." Harry held him tighter. "I'm _fine_." He reassured him. "But I'm never trying to be civil again."

 

"We should get home." Harry said. "You two stay and enjoy the rest of your night."

 

Hermione looked at Ron and they both shrugged. "Alright, see you both then." Hermione smiled.

 

"Bye." Ron nodded. "That guy was a prick, I think you did the right thing." He smiled at Severus.

 

" _Ron_!" Hermione tutted disapprovingly. But said nothing else as they disappeared back into the club.

 

"Home?"

 

"Home."


	19. Mr & Mr Snape: Thief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry isn't a thief... usually.

"I've never stolen _anything_."

" _Really_? Should I not mention my store cupboards?"

"That wasn't... Have I _really_ never told you?"

"Told me what?"

"I didn't do it. I mean, I _used_ it - I just didn't take it."

"Who did then?"

"Oh my Gods! _Later_. Right now I'm pissed. I _don't_ steal."

Severus smirked.

"What?"

"You don't steal?" Harry nodded. "So what are those Victoria Secret pink lace panties then?"

"I..." Harry blushed. "There were... circumstances."

Severus smiled. "There certainly were."

"Perv."

"It's hard not to be, they look amazing on you."

"I got that impression when I tried them on and you immediately said we would be leaving with them."

"I did mean to _pay_ for them I just didn't think they'd want to touch them... or know what was happening in one of their cubicles."

 

*** * ***

 

_**Flashback** _

 

"Okay, open your eyes. What do you..."

"We need them. _Now_."

"Eager much?" Harry laughed.

"Looks like I'm not the only one." Severus' eyes travelled to Harry's crotch smirking. "Need some help with that?"

"You're _such_ an exhibitionist."

Severus kissed Harry hard, grinding their hips together. Harry moaned.

"Shh! You don't want anyone to hear do you?"

"Severu..."

"It's okay little bird, tell me what you want."

"You. Inside. _Now_."

"So demanding, but I suppose you've been good." He turned Harry around so his hands were bracing him on the mirror and he was bent over. "I _am_ loathe to take off the panties though." Severus thought aloud, pulling them down only at the back to expose Harry's ass.

Severus cast a lubrication spell, pushing in two fingers as a precaution but almost instantly adding a third. Harry was biting his lips to keep quiet.

Finally the fingers were removed with a mewling whine from Harry before Severus started to push in.

" _Fuck_..."

Severus started at a fast pace, knowing they didn't have long. Still not wanting to take the panties off Harry he slipped his hand into them stroking him inside the fabric. They came together and Severus took his sticky hand out of Harry underwear. He wrapped his arms around Harry's waist, holding him close while they breathed.

He kissed the back of Harry's head before standing up and grimacing at his hand. He licked it clean quickly then looked at Harry.

"I don't think you'll be able to buy that now."

Harry straightened up too. "If _that's_ your reaction when I wear them we're getting them. We don't have to buy them, I'll just wear them out."

"Such a little thief."

" _Your_ little thief."


	20. Mr & Mr Snape: Habits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even in the best relationships some habits are annoying.

"What's the time?" Severus asked, looking up from his book.

"What now?"

"No, in forty minutes. _Yes_ now. Why do you always _say_ that?"

"Why do you always get so annoyed about it?"

"Because it's _annoying_."

"It's just a thing people say."

" _No one_ says that."

"I do."

"Ugh."

*** * ***

"Why are the KitKats in the fridge." Harry griped, taking out a freezing cold bar and banging it on the counter.

"That's where they go?"

"No they don't. What is _wrong_ with you?"

"They melt if they're out of the fridge."

"Where are you storing them? The _fireplace_?"

"No, the cupboard... it's warm."

"We're in a fucking dungeon! It's _freezing_."

"Well it's where they go."

"You don't keep chocolate biscuits in the fridge."

"No, that would be weird."

"That's basically what you're doing."

*** * ***

"I think we should order less takeaway." Severus stated, looking down at the letter in his hands.

"Why?"

"Well you know we found that new place that does _amazing_ pizza."

"Yeah..."

"Well the old place just owled to ask if we're okay, because they haven't heard from us in a while."

"We should order less takeaways." Harry nodded in agreement.

*** * ***

"Merlin, Harry!" Snape gave up trying to sleep reaching over to pinch Harry, who woke with a start.

"What was _that_ for."

"You're being loud."

"I was _asleep_. I wasn't doing anything."

"You were snoring."

"I don't snore."

"You _really_ do. It sounds like I'm trying to sleep next to a rhinoceros. How can so much noise come from someone so small?"

"It can't be _that_ loud! I think you're being dramatic."

"It's so loud Harry I'm surprised _you_ can sleep - I'm only next to it, it's in _your_ face."

"No one else has ever mentioned it."

"And how many other people do you happen to be sharing a bed with?"

"I slept in a dorm dumbass, and I've slept around Ron and Hermione."

"You were a teenager! I'm going to assume you had a silencing charm placed over your bed, and Ron's even worse! _M_ _erlin_! I wouldn't be surprised if they slept in separate rooms."

"I'm going back to sleep."

"Fine."

Harry and Severus lay down to sleep and almost instantly Harry started snoring again.

"Oh for... _Silencio_." He breathed a sigh of relief. " _Finally,_ peace."


	21. Mr & Mr Snape: Decorating

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It started with a new bed.

" _Please_."

"Harry, we can't have bunk beds."

"Why not?"

"Because we're not _seven_. Or at least _I'm_ not."

"But we could get the ones with a double bed on the bottom so we could still have sex."

"I'm making a new rule that I will _never_ have sex on a bunk bed."

"You're no fun!"

"I know, I'm _so_ horrible I won't let you decorate our room like it's for a five year old."

"But if we get a raised bed it could have a slide and a ball pit at the bottom."

"We're just getting a normal double bed! Now we need to find sheets. What about black?"

"Why is everything always black with you?"

"Black’s a good colour, it goes with everything."

"I want red and gold."

"Do you see how I'm not turning our room into a Slytherin dorm? Can you try not to force your house colours onto our bedroom."

"Oh! We could have both. Like red and green."

"That's the best idea you've had so far but I'm _not_ decorating our room like it's Christmas all year round. How about red and black?"

"Yes. Now we need fabric. Nylon?"

"Not unless you want to get into bed and slide right back out. _On fire_."

"Silk?"

"Could work. How about red duvet with black sheets and pillows."

"Deal. We need paint too."

"What's wrong with the dungeon brickwork, I think it adds character."

"I think it's _gross_ and covered in moss."

"Exactly! Do you understand how much work it would be to get all that off and then paint it."

"It's disgusting, Severus."

"Fine, but we'll need special paints for it and it's being _black_."

"Ugh, fine! As long as it's covered. We need a bigger wardrobe."

"No, _you_ need less clothes."

"I'm sorry we can't all wear the same outfit everyday."

"I do _not_ wear the same outfit everyday."

"Yes, you do. You go to the wardrobe like ‘ _what should I wear today…?_ _O_ _h yeah black, like I wear everyday_ ’."

"I'm starting to think this is about more than the wardrobe."

"It is _now_. We're buying you more clothes."

"No, we're not."

"Pleaseee."

"It's my clothes, Harry.

"Fine. I'll just buy you new clothes and make you wear them."

"How do you plan to do that?"

"I'll just ask you to. You can't say no to me 'cause you love me."

"I do, but it may have escaped your notice but I've been saying no to your ridiculous ideas all day."

"True, but I can wear you down at home."

"Merlin help me!"

"If we're getting a new wardrobe we might as well get all new furniture."

"Harry, at this rate we're going to have to take out a loan."

" _Please_. The wardrobe and the bed are redwood so we can get all redwood it will look so good."

"Ugh, fine!"


	22. Mr & Mr Snape: Happy Birthday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Severus' birthday & Harry has a surprise for him.

"Why do you never go out with the other teachers?"

"Because I value my time with you." Harry raised an eyebrow. "Alright, I value my time away from _them_."

"That sounds more like it. But don't you want to go out with them? Make an effort with them?"

"No."

"Don't you think you should?"

"Why do you want me out of the house?"

"Who said I..."

"Don't start, you're a _terrible_ liar. Answer my question."

"I wanted you to go out so I could do something special for your birthday."

"That sounds dreadful."

"You forgot the ' _no offence but..._ '."

"Oh no, you _should_ be offended. _H_ _ow_ long have we been together and you want to do something for my _birthday_? You don't know me at all."

"It was just a suggestion." Harry pouted, Severus sighed.

"I didn't mean anything by it, I just don't celebrate my birthday."

"But you always do something for _mine_ and I never get to return it."

"Fine, but no parties or anything."

"I do know you a little bit, Severus."

"I'm starting to doubt that but okay - when do you want me gone and for how long?"

"Your birthday dumbass, and only a few hours."

"Fine. I'll see if someone's free."

"Don't worry, loads of people want to take you for a drink."

"Sounds great." He grimaced. "Why are they going to you to ask if I'll go for a drink?"

"Maybe because you're terrifying?"

"I am, aren't I?"

"There's no need to look so proud."

*** * ***

"I take back everything I said! You know me _perfectly_. Was all of this for me?"

Harry nodded, unable to speak for the gag in his mouth. He was naked, on all fours on the bed, his hands cuffed to the head board. He was hard and his hole was stretched, with a small ring dangling from it on a string. He had a large green bow on his back and Severus couldn't help but lick his lips.

"Is this my present?" He asked, toying with the bow. Harry nodded again Severus gave a wolfish smile. "I think I'm going to have fun undoing you slowly."

He leant down to lick along his shoulders, while his hand came down to pull the ring. Harry keened and arched his back as a bead slipped out of him slowly. A green bead, with the Slytherin crest.

' _Happy_ _B_ _irthday to me._ ' Severus smirked.


	23. Mr & Mr Snape: Karma

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some things Harry did in the war aren't quite forgotten or forgiven.

"I don't _wanna."_

"You have to go to the bank at _some_ point."

"Can't you go for me?"

"I _always_ go for you."

"Exactly. Why can't you go this time?"

"I'm busy, Harry. Your key's there, go yourself."

"I _can't_. They... give me _looks_."

"They're Goblins, Harry! They give _everyone_ looks."

"But... they're still angry that I... you know... broke in, stole from a vault and set the dragon free."

"Maybe you should have thought about that at the time."

"Weirdly I had other things on my mind! _Please_ go for me?"

" _Fine_. Tomorrow though, I'm busy today."


	24. Mr & Mr Snape: Gross

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry has some gross habits.

"Do you _have_ to do that?" Severus asked Harry, looking up from his marking.

"Do what?"

"Crack your knuckles - it's so loud I thought someone had apparated in."

"You are _so_ dramatic."

"And you are _so_ loud. Stop cracking your knuckles!"

"Fine." Harry said irritated - then he smirked, cracking his neck.

"For fucks sake, Harry!" Severus threw a cushion at him.

"Ow! What was _that_ for?"

"What do you think? It's so gross."

Harry stood up, walking over to Severus and wrapping his arms around him. "Does it _really_ bother you?"

"Yes."

"I'm sorry." He kissed his head, before popping his jaw.

"I _hate_ you."


	25. Mr & Mr Snape: Embarrassing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Severus can't resist embarrassing Harry.

"Harry, what happened to your head?" Hermione asked, looking at the large cut over his eyebrow.

"Well, when I was a baby..." Harry began, jokingly.

"Not that. _That_ one." She laughed.

"It's not a big thing, you should see the other guy."

"The other guy is the cupboard door you walked straight into." Severus cut in with a smirk, Hermione laughed.

"You weren't supposed to tell anyone!"


	26. Mr & Mr Snape: Stairs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry's not quite as fit as he once was.

"So... many... stairs... Why do they live so high up?"

"They're _your_ friends. Besides, what happened to the fit young boy I married?"

"Oh yeah, and _you're_ the picture of health. I can hear your heavy breathing from here and somehow I doubt it's because stairs turn you on."

"I'm being companionable. And you don't know _everything_ that turns me on."

"If stairs turn you on I'm filing for a divorce!"

"What? You don't like the idea of being spread out and taken by me on the stairs?"

" _No_. No no no no no! We are _not_ doing this here."

"Why not? Scared of being caught?"

" _Yes_. Now move, we're gonna be late."

"Fine. I'm starting to think this ‘Griffindor bravery’ thing is a myth."

"I'm starting to think this ‘Slytherin thinking things through’ thing is a myth. I believe you're all just sex craved beasts."

"No, that's just me."

"Dumbass."

" _Your_ dumbass."


	27. Mr & Mr Snape: Homey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry & Severus are having a quiet night in.

Harry sat on the settee staring blankly at the TV, while Severus sat on the armchair reading. Everything was peaceful. Homey.

"You know, Rolls Royce's have a special compartment for umbrellas." Harry broke the silence.

"Really?" Severus was only mildly interested, and not at all shocked that his husband was being so random.

"Yeah. It's in the door, and you press a button and it comes out. It's pretty cool. It's cause posh people aren't supposed to get wet."

"Ahh yes, that would be unseemly."

"Nah, it's cause they dissolve."

"Harry..." Severus chuckled.

"It's _true_." Harry laughed.

"Yes, it's well known that the upper classes are made out of Berocca. You can always tell when they're putting on a party and it starts to rain from the orange fizzing in the distance."

"Three monarchs they've lost to the rain!"

"Queen Victoria herself dissolved to death. Her last words were ' _I'm melting, I'm me_ _e_ _llltinggg._ '"

They both laughed loudly, wondering what they were talking about and how exactly they'd got there. They settled down, wiping tears from their eyes and sighing, before going back to sitting serenely in comfortable silence - apart from the sounds of the telly, the occasional turning of a page from Severus or the giggle of one of them at the images their minds were still conjuring.

' _Yes,_ ' Harry thought. ' _Very homey._ '

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> None of this is historically accurate, but the Roll's Royce part is completely true & they're hellish expensive too!


	28. Mr & Mr Snape: Karaoke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry gets to pick their date night place & Severus regrets it.

"Why are we here?"

"Because you said I could choose."

"Is it too late to go back on that?"

"Since we've already ordered, I'm going to have to go with yes."

"What are they _doing_?"

"Singing."

" _Why_? Didn't anyone ever tell them they were shit? I'm already considering using _S_ _ilencio_ and we haven't been here ten minutes."

"You brought your _wand_?!"

"Yes. Always. _Everywhere_. I'm very paranoid. How long have you _known_ me?"

"Fair enough. I don't know what you expect to happen. You know enough wandless spells."

"I like to be prepared. Besides, I know you have your wand in the waistband of your jeans. Or are you just happy to see me?"

"Both. But..."

"Your order."

"Oh yes, thank you."

"And your number."

"What's that?"

"Number for when I go on."

" _You're_ going to sing?"

"Yeah. Why not?"

"Harry, I love you so much but Merlin, Salazar and Godric Gryffindor you _cannot_ sing."

"Well thanks very much for that! And I think you missed a few people off like Helga and Rowena."

"Don't take it the wrong way."

"There's a _right_ way to take that?!"

"Depends if you took it as you can't sing."

"I _know_ I can't, it's not like I'm expecting a standing ovation - it's just a bit of fun."

"When _I_ want a bit of fun in the middle of a restaurant you say no."

"A bit of fun and a bit of sex... different things."

"Not really, one goes into the other. Very much like sex."

"Number seventeen."

"Oooh, it's nearly me."

"I can hardly wait."

"Let's try that again and you can sound even less enthusiastic."

"Well, I'll have to be on my own cringing... at least now I have you."

"You're _so_ sweet."

"What are you singing anyway?"

"’ _My_ _H_ _eart_ _W_ _ill_ _G_ _o_ _O_ _n_ ’."

"Now you're _definitely_ taking the piss."

"Guess you'll just have to wait and see."

"I think I'll get another drink."

"I'm gonna be on soon, I don't think you'll be able to get drunk quick enough."

"Sounds like a challenge and you _know_ what I do with a challenge."

"Carry on and pretend nothing happened?"

"Funny."

"Accurate."

"Number twenty."

"Okay it's me. Wish me luck."

"I'm not drunk enough for this."

" _Every night in my dreams I see you I feel you.._."

"I really thought he was joking."

" _You're safe in my heart and my heart will go on and on.._."

"That's it sweetie, always leave them wanting less."

"Sweetie? You _have_ been getting drunk."

"Nhuh, just a bit tipsy. It's a long song."

"It's quite fun, you should have a go."

"Well that's one way to sober up."

"Somehow I thought that would work. So what did you think? Contemplating Obliviating yourself?"

"Oooh, I hadn't though of that. I'm _kidding_. It was... better than I expected. That's not saying much, but you get my point."

"Yes, I exceeded your already low expectations."

"Exactly... wait that's not what I... You know what I think I'll get another drink."


	29. Mr & Mr Snape: The Duel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Severus challenges Harry to a duel.

"You don't have to be so offended."

"Don't I?"

"All I'm saying is, if _I_ was Voldemort you wouldn't have won."

"And that's not supposed to be offensive?"

"You think _you_ would win?"

"Probably."

"Okay then, a duel?"

"You're on."

*** * ***

"You can back out at anytime you know."

"Getting scared?"

"Slytherins don't get scared."

"Funny, I thought Gryffindors were the brave ones."

"Bravery isn't the absence of fear, it is a kinder word for stupid. Running head-first into danger is reckless and foolhardy - neither of which are traits of Slytherin house."

"Should I ask about rules?"

"Regular duel rules... and you know... obviously no killing each other."

"The fact you had to include that as a rule doesn't bode well."

*** * ***

They stood in front of each other, wands up they bowed.

"Good luck." Harry smirked.

"I don't _need_ luck, I have skill." Severus sneered back. Harry couldn't help his smile - he loved his husband even if he was a smug bastard sometimes.

They each took several paces back stopping and getting into a pose of their choice.

Severus excelled in offensive spells while Harry was agile and best at defence. It went on with Severus aiming a few hexes and Harry sending most of them back, although he missed a couple letting Severus get a hit on him.

Harry hadn't landed a single hit on Severus yet - not for lack of trying however - and while they were somewhat evenly matched, it was clear Severus was proving his point. But Harry knew he couldn't let him win.

He sent about five hexes in a row, the sudden change of pace catching Severus off guard allowing a few hits. Harry laughed triumphantly, earning a glare from Severus. He was about to throw a few more spells his way but stopped when he felt something sticky and uncomfortable in his underwear.

He stood still, very confused, shifting very slightly to try and work it out. The bastard had used a lube and preparation spell.

"Rictusempra."

Harry was knocked flying, dropping his wand. "Hey! That's not _fair_!"

"Oh really? Was it in the rules?"

"I don't know. Was this?" He smirked - he didn't need his wand for this spell.

Severus felt cold all of a sudden. He looked down to see a lot more of himself than expected.

"So _that's_ how you want to play."

" _You_ started it." Harry shrugged, snatching his wand up he pointed it at Severus about to cast an expelliarmus. He was distracted though when Severus took up a wand of a different kind.

He rubbed himself in the most indecent way he could, closing his eyes, throwing his head back and moaning loudly. Harry couldn't help himself at the lewd display, he completely dropped his wand his mind blank. No idea where he was or what he was supposed to be doing, all he could think of was the beautiful man in front of him.

He stepped closer. With a flick of Severus' actual wand his clothes were gone and an arm was outstretched to pull him into a hug. Harry stood skin against skin with Severus, arm tight around his waist, beginning to stroke him as well.

It didn't take long before they were on the floor together Harry on his hands and knees with Severus draped over his back. With the lube and preparation spell still fresh Severus pushed in without difficulty.

"I think this proves my point." He said, once he was fully sheathed.

"Fair enough. You win."

" _Always_." He leaned forward, whispering into Harry's ear before setting up a hard and fast pace.


	30. Mr & Mr Snape: Wands In Bed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry finds something unexpected in bed.

"Is that a wand or are you just happy to see me?"

"It's my wand, but if you keep groping about like that I'm sure you'll find what you're looking for."

"It... it _is_ your wand!"

"I know, that's what I just said."

"Why the hell do you have your _wand_ in bed!"

"You never know when you might need it."

"What for?!"

"I don't know! There could be intruders or I might decide to Silencio you due to your excessive snoring..."

_"Hey!"_

"Or maybe I need it so I can do things like this..." Suddenly Harry was naked, his clothes in a neat pile on the chair. His hole lubed and stretched, and Severus between his thighs equally as naked.

* * *

"Okay maybe I'll let you keep bringing your wand to bed."

"Like you could actually stop me."

"...Severus?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you _actually_ Silencio me in my sleep?"

"..."

_"Severus!_ That's fucked up."

"Night then."


	31. Mr & Mr Snape: Charity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Severus is still holding a bit of a grudge.

" _What_?" Severus answered the door with his usual demeanour, _not_ happy about being disturbed during dinner. On the other side were two people wearing tracksuits, one was holding a clipboard.

"We're doing a charity run. It's to raise awareness of lycanthropy."

"Yeah, we've heard of it." He went to close the door.

"Severus, do you have to be rude to _everyone_?" He heard Harry ask from behind him, opening the door again.

"I do when I've had a long day and I just want to eat in peace." He grumbled, stepping out of the way so Harry could talk to them.

"Sorry about him." Harry took the clipboard asking a few questions and signing his name. "Severus come here. You give them some money too." Severus looked at the clipboard then back at Harry.

"Why? We're married! Half of what _you_ gave them is technically mine." Harry just gave him a look in reply. " _Fine!_ " He snatched the clipboard from him. "You know I was nearly _killed_ by a werewolf."

"Well, they don't retain any memory of themselves when they turn." One of the charity couple tried to explain.

"He's a twat as a human too." Severus returned.

"No he's not! He's tried with you."

"Yes, he did try... TO EAT ME!"

"That wasn't his fault."

"No, it was just the company he keeps." He turned back to the couple. "Thanks a lot, we're going to argue now and I _still_ won't get to enjoy my dinner."

"We... erm..." They stood awkwardly, not sure how to reply.

"Just go away." He shoved the clipboard at them, they still didn't move. He dropped his voice to a growl. "The only reason I haven't hexed you yet is because I happen to enjoy make up sex. Now. _Leave_." He slammed the door in their face and turned to Harry, who was smirking.

"You know some people who come to our door should be able to leave without details of our sex life."

"It was hardly detailed."

" _So_ not the point."


	32. Mr & Mr Snape: Late

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry is NOT. HAPPY! Severus is too drunk to care.

Severus stumbled into the living room laughing. He wave his hand, the lamps lighting immediately revealing Harry sitting in the armchair, arms crossed shaking his head.

"What time do you call this?"

"Time to get a watch?" Severus joked, still laughing.

"Don't try to get smart with me."

"I've been drinking fire whiskey! I'm not going to be getting smart with anyone for the next century." Severus returned, hanging his cloak up.

"I expected you back at 12."

"It's strange isn't it, that you're not my keeper."

"You could have fire called. I was _worried_. Anything could have happened."

"And yet it didn't. Anyway I'm tired. I'm going to bed - you're free to join me, provided there's no one else you want to stay up and wait ominously in the dark for."

"You're not funny."

"I am a little bit."

"Are you even going to apologise?"

"Sorry."

"You didn't even mean that!"

  



	33. Mr & Mr Snape: Jealous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry has a quill to pick with his jealous husband.

"Severus would you like to tell me something?" Harry asked, standing in front of Severus' desk with one eyebrow raised.

Severus looked up as though in thought then shook his head, going back to his marking. "No."

"Are you _sure_ you didn't do anything today?" Harry pressed.

"Nothing worthy of note."

" _Really_? So you didn't go see the new DADA professor?" Harry observed his husband, carefully noting the way his hand slowed while marking and the small smirk that fluttered across his lips.

"Now that you mention it I did pop round to have a little chat."

"A _chat_?"

"Mhmm."

"That ended with your quill sticking out of his hand?"

"Is _that_ where I left it?" Severus looked at him with a smirk.

"It's _not_ funny Severus. This is serious, you could be fired!"

"Well, I've done it now and Minerva loves us, I think we'll be fine."

"I thought you were over the whole Defence position thing."

"I _am_. That wasn't what it was about."

Harry looked over, confused. "It wasn't?"

"No, this particular incident was because he hasn't taken his eyes off you since you met."

"He _hasn't_?"

"One day you'll stop being so oblivious to how hot you are. But yes, so I went round to... explain that you are _my_ husband, and that if he wishes to keep his eyes inside his head he'll politely refrain from ogling you at every opportunity."

"And then you stabbed him with a quill?"

"When he told me I had no right to threaten him and that he could look at whomever he pleased I _may_ have stabbed him with my quill."

Harry laughed at his jealous husband. "You need to stop being so cute when I'm mad at you."

"What did I do?!"

"You mean apart from attacking a guy?"

"I ' _attacked_ ' him with a feather!"

"You stabbed him with a sharpened quill."

"He still has his eyes, he should be happy."

"You need to apologise... don't give me that look, you know precisely what you did. Now go and say sorry... and don't be a dick about it! And no more threatening people."

Severus groaned getting up stroppily. " _Fine_... I want my quill back anyway."


	34. Mr & Mr Snape: Child Care [Pt. 2]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose is visiting again & Harry doesn't want to know what Severus has done to bunnies.

"How's the little one?"

"How dare yo... ohhh, you meant Rose."

"Dumbass."

"She's fine." Severus nodded over to where she was sitting quietly playing on the floor. "But for the record _you_ are my little one."

Harry smiled, not caring for once that Severus implied he was small. "Should she be there on her own like that?"

"Harry, I'm a teacher! I _know_ how to look after children."

"You teach teenagers. They can be left on their own."

"They really _can't_. I believe _you_ proved that more than once. She's fine, but since you're back you can play with her."

"Fair enough. I brought her a new toy."

"Why do you never buy _me_ new toys." Severus mock pouted.

"Dumbass." Harry laughed, rolling his eyes. "You have enough toys."

"No such thing." Severus shook his head. "Besides, I always share with you." He said, lowering his voice with a smirk.

It was Harry's turn to shake his head. "Uncle Severus is a dumbass, isn't he Rosie?"

Rose giggled and clapped her hands when she saw Harry, holding her hands up to him. He took the hint, picking her up.

"Want to see what I got you?" He asked, Rose nodded eagerly. He pulled a small stuffed rabbit out of his pocket, waving it in front of her.

Her eyes lit up and she reached out trying to grab it. Harry let her take it and chuckled down as he watched her rub it against her face and wave it around by it’s ears.

"Yeah, it's a bunny." He cooed at her. "What noise does a bunny make Rose?"

"Do _you_ even know that?"

"Yes. Probably... What sound _do_ they make?" Harry looked genuinely puzzled.

Severus just shrugged. "They scream and grind their teeth if you step on them." He suggested. When Harry didn't reply he looked up, to see Harry staring back at him with a mix of shock and disgust.

" _Why_ do you know that?" Harry demanded.

"I trod on one once." Severus replied easily, Harry's face hadn't changed. "It was an accident!... Mostly."

"Wha... You know what? I don't even want to know. Either way I can't pretend I'm a bunny by screaming in Rose's face."

"Yeah, I suppose Ron and Hermione wouldn't appreciate that. You could still grind your teeth though."

"I do enough of that being married to you." Harry laughed, walking out of the room to look up what a happy bunny sounds like, and leaving a moderately offended Severus to his marking.


	35. Mr & Mr Snape: Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Severus has a nightmare & of course it's Harry's fault.

Harry woke up, feeling eyes on him, to Severus glaring at him in the dark, arms folded.

"What?"

"I can't believe you _did_ that!"

"What?"

"Grabbed Hermione’s arse!"

" _What_? When did I do _that_?"

"In my dream."

"Why are you dreaming about things like that?"

"Aren't you going to apologise?"

"For something I did in _your_ dream?"

"Yes."

" _No_."

"Well I want an apology."

"I didn't _do_ anything. It's not _my_ fault _your_ brain just came up with that. Besides, you of all people should know I have no interest in Hermione’s arse... Ron’s on the other hand..."

' _ **SMACK**_ '

" _Ow_! What was that for?"

"You're not taking this seriously!"

"No, no I'm really not and now I'm going back to sleep!"


	36. Mr & Mr Snape: Sick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Severus is sick & all he wants is cuddles, all of Harry's attention & sympathy... oh, & an orange ice lolly.

"Oooohh."

"Severus."

"Owwwww."

" _Severus_."

"It hurts..."

" _SEVERUS_!"

"Ow. Head!" Severus put a hand to his head as dramatically as he had been writhing on the sofa.

"Severus." Harry started quieter. "You have dealt with Voldemort, his Deatheaters and those terrible meetings - it's a cold, calm down."

"I'm dying and you're telling me to calm down?"

"You're _not_ dying, it's a cold!"

"When I'm gone spread my ashes over my cauldron." Severus lay back, lying the back of his hand on his forehead like a swooning maiden.

"You're being ridiculous."

"I can't _breathe_!"

"I offered to make you the potion."

Severus sat up suddenly, clearly it was a mistake as he swayed for a bit afterwards, and glared at Harry. "You'd have poisoned me!"

"No I wouldn't!"

"Ow. Head!"

"What? _Y_ _ou_ can shout but when I do it it hurts your head?"

"Yes. My cold is very fickle that way."

"Fine. I'm going, it will be really quiet then."

"Nooo! Don't leave me! I'm sick." He sniffled for emphasis. Harry turned around sighing.

" _Fine_ , I'll stay."

Severus held his arms out, obviously demanding a hug - Harry smiled at his cute husband, he'd never really seen him sick as he usually kept his potions well stocked enough that it wasn't a problem. He walked over, settling onto the sofa with him.

"Thank you for staying."

"You better be grateful! I could get sick too."

"But once I'm better I'll just restock the potion, so it'll be fine."

"I guess."

"I never _used_ to get sick." Severus grumbled.

"Yeah well, you built your walls so high that the bacteria probably couldn't find its way in."

" _You_ managed to worm through."

"True."

"Actually, it's probably your fault. You just burst in with no regard and leave a passage way for germs and nastiness."

"And new friends and healthy relationships."

"I was including that in the germs and nastiness."

"I _thought_ you were supposed to be sick."

"I am. It doesn't mean I can't be rude about people."

"I suppose you wouldn't be you if you weren't an arse."

"Just because I'm too sick right now to take offence to that, doesn't mean I'm not going to bring that back up when I'm better."

"Alright. Can we just get back to how I wormed my way into your heart."

"We just said you passed the wall with pathogens."

"What, I brought my love bug?" Harry laughed.

"Pass me the bowl, I have a sudden need for it." Severus rolled his eyes.

"Dumbass. Don't lie about things like that, I want to _know_ if you're about to throw up on me."

"Fine." He snuggled his nose into the back of Harry's neck, burrowing through his hair."

They stayed like that for a while in silence until Harry's arse began to get numb. He wondered if Severus was asleep, maybe he could sneak away. He gently disentangled himself from the man, going to the kitchen to start a soup for dinner when he woke up.

He searched the fridge for ingredients, hoping Severus would get better soon - he wasn't sure he would allow Harry to leave him long enough to shop. Maybe he could go while he was sleeping or something...

He closed the fridge, jumping out of his skin when it revealed Severus standing there glaring at him.

"You _left_ me." The man accused.

"I needed to put dinner on!"

"You still left me." He grouched.

"You shouldn't be wondering around."

"I wouldn't be, but _someone_ left me." Harry could hear the slight panic in his voice as he wrapped his arms around the shivering man.

"Let's get you back to the sofa."

"No, I don't want to. I'll stay in here with you."

"It's too cold in here."

"According to you it's cold everywhere because ' _we're in a dungeon_ '." Severus tried to do his usual whiny impression of Harry, but ended up coughing and spluttering.

Harry shook his head. "Fine! Sit down and I'll bring a blanket in. Lying down won't help your nose anyway." He went to leave but Severus grabbed his hand.

"You're coming back?"

Harry lifted Severus' hand to his lips kissing it gently. "Of course I'll come back."

Severus stared sizing him up, then acquiesced. "Okay. But... be quick."

"I'll be quick." Harry called back, halfway out of the room. True to his word he rushed back in carrying a quilt.

He draped it over Severus, making sure he was comfortable before he went to start cooking again.

" _Harryyyy_..."

"What?" Harry turned around, trying to be patient.

"My throat hurts, can I have an ice lolly?"

"Yes Severus, of course." He pointed to the freezer, as if the man didn't know where to look.

"I can't get it, I'm sick."

" _Fine_." Harry groaned moving to the freezer and taking one out he paused. "What flavour?"

"Orange." Severus decided.

"You're the _only_ person in the world who chooses orange." Harry chuckled, handing it to Severus.

"Don't be rude about my choices. You like _lime_."

"Lime's great. Leave lime alone."

"Is that a new campaign you're doing?"

"It does have a ring to it."

The conversation dies from there, leaving Harry to his cooking and Severus to his ice lolly.

"Why couldn't you cut things like that in potions?" Severus asked, eyeing Harry's perfectly chopped tomatoes.

"Maybe because the tomatoes aren't trying to run away from me."

"You can't say I didn't give you fresh ingredients." Severus smirked.

"Or maybe I was just too distracted by my teacher."

"He was very hot, wasn't he?"

"Mhm. Great ass!"

"Is he still a fearsome teacher that children have nightmares about forgetting their homework for?"

"Nah, now he get a cold and regresses back to being six."

"That's not a very nice thing to say to a sick person."

"Oh well I'm sure you'll get over it... actually never mind, you're going to be bringing that up forever aren't you?"

"Uh huh."

"Great, well at least I've got that to look forward to."

"I'm hungry."

"Well, this will be done soon. And after you've finished we'll get you back to bed."

"You'll be there?"

"Yep."

"Okay... and we can cuddle again?"

"Yes."

"And you won't leave while I'm asleep."

"If I do I won't be far. Just the toilet or something."

"...Okay. As long as you don't go further than the front door, I know you want to sneak away to buy groceries."

Harry shook his head, wishing he hadn't fallen for a mind reader.


	37. Mr & Mr Snape: Beep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Severus is happy in his rut... Harry regrets trying to change it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written with the "assistance" of NearMiss.

"Sigh... _Sigh_... _**Sigh**_."

"Can you stop deflating over there, I'm trying to read this." Severus looked up - he had been trying to ignore Harry as he sighed from the doorway.

"Don't you ever just get _bored_. Like everything is always the same?"

"No."

"Like you're always over there reading and I'm..."

"Over there preventing it."

"Well I'm going to change things."

"What? Are you going to go away so I can read?"

"No." Harry rolled his eyes. "I'm gonna change things, I'm gonna get us out of the rut we're in." He said decidedly.

"Good. Well can you do it quieter please, some of us are comfortable in their rut reading quietly."

*** * ***

"Move." Severus said dryly, standing over Harry, who was already tucked up in bed... on Severus' side.

"No. I'm sleeping here tonight."

"Harry, that's _my_ side." Severus explained, as though this wasn't something Harry was aware of.

"Not for tonight."

"Is this part of you whole ' _changing things_ ' thing." Severus rubbed his head, too tired for this argument.

"Yes."

"Fine, whatever." Severus groaned, flopping onto Harry's side of the bed and rolling over, already wishing he was back in his own ass indent.

*** * ***

_**Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Be...**_ " _Owwww!_ " _**...**_ _ **ep.**_

Severus had woken up upon hearing the alarm and reached out to turn it off, as he always did - but being on Harry's side of the bed - when he reached out on impulse, he ended up smacking Harry right in the eye.

_**Beep. Beep.** _

"The _fuck_ Severus?!" Harry sat up, holding a hand to his throbbing eye.

"Well, that was different."

_**Beep. Beep.** _

"That fucking _hurt,_ you monster!"

"I was _trying_ to turn the alarm off, speaking of which can you get that? It's getting annoying."

_**Beep. Beep.** _

"You _blinded_ me and now you want me to turn the alarm off?"

"Yes, it's your fault we're in this predicament."

_**Beep. Be...** Click._

" _Fine_." Harry pressed the alarm without looking, hoping he got the right button and breathing a sigh of relief when it stopped - it really was quite grating.

"Sooo... how are you enjoying the changes so far?" Severus smirked.

"You don't have to rub my face in it."

"Have you _ever_ met me?"

"Point taken."

"Come here, let me see your eye." Severus said, pulling Harry gently closer to him and kissing his eye better.

"Let's just stay here for a bit. Wake up slowly." He continued holding Harry close while Harry, who had managed to actually open his eye again, pressed his back into Severus relaxed. Everything was calm and quiet...

_**Beep. Beep.** _


	38. Mr & Mr Snape: Ron's Dramatic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ron's dramatic, Harry's worried & Severus knew he should have turned the floo off.

" _Ha...ry..._ "

Harry and Severus were curled up together. Severus on the settee with his legs apart and Harry nestled between them, both were just watching the TV peacefully until Ron burst into the room panting.

" _H'rry_..." Ron whose face was bright red collapsed on the hearth.

"RON!" Harry rushed to his friend’s side while Severus just looked over the back of the sofa.

"I've told you before to send a letter before you come... that way we can tell you to go away without forcing you back through the floo."

" _SEVERUS!_ " Harry shouted. "That's not helpful. Come on Ron, get up." He helped him round to the sofa.

"I'm just saying we could have been doing anything. Next time I'll make sure we _are_." He glared at Ron, smirking as he thought of different ways they could scar him forever.

Once Ron was sitting down Harry wasn't sure what to do - he'd never dealt with a hyperventilating person before. He looked about ready to pass out.

"Here, erm... head between your legs, you'll feel better." Harry suggested. trying to sound confident.

Ron looked dubiously at Severus who just shrugged. "A head between my legs always makes _me_ feel better."

Ron gave a shudder but bent forwards, feeling better after doing so.

Soon Ron was able to form semi coherent words again. "Hermione..."

Harry's eyes widened, even Severus looked slightly concerned. "What's happened? Is she alright?" Harry was starting to panic.

"P...pregnant. B...b...baby."

Harry was still panicking, Hermione was pregnant? Since _when_? And what was happening with it that was causing Ron’s dramatics in his livingroom?

"Hermione's pregnant? What's wrong? Is she okay? Is the baby okay?"

Ron nodded. "T...they're fine. I...I think."

"Then what is this about?" Severus asked, clearly feeling this was a waste of time.

"Hermione's _pregnant_! S...she just told me." Ron tried to explain, Harry jumped back in shock.

"She _just_ told you?" Ron nodded.

"You mean you just _ran off_?" Severus asked, Ron nodded again still oblivious to the stares he was getting.

"Did you tell her where you were going?" He shook his head.

"Okay, let me get this straight." Severus began. "Hermione told you she was pregnant and you ran off, leaving her there, without telling her where you were going or when you would be back. To come and tell us, regardless of the fact she may be unwilling to share such news as of yet?"

Ron's eyes widened, only now sinking in just what he'd done.

"What do I _do_?" He asked, looking at Harry and Severus for advice.

"Go _home_." Severus said.

"And _apologise_." Harry added. "Tell her you panicked.”

"Also tell her you told us because I'm not acting as though you didn't later."

Harry nodded his agreement. "Neither am I."

"O...okay." Ron went to get up.

"Maybe just sit for a bit to get your head together." Harry said, gently pushing him back down and sitting next to him. "Do you _want_ a baby?" He asked curiously.

"Yeah." Came Ron's immediate reply.

"Then you should probably tell her that you didn't run off because you don't want it but because you're a dunderhead Gryffindor who doesn't think before he acts."

Ron turned to Harry. "Don't you normally hit him at some point?"

"Not when I agree with him. You _are_ an idiot. Hermione’s probably worried out of her mind."

"Or angry - _I'd_ be angry." Severus pointed out.

"True. She'll be worried _then_ she'll hit you. Besides she's pregnant, she shouldn't be under that kind of stress."

Ron nodded. "I know. I'll go and apologise." Before he could even get up the floo flared with green flames and Hermione was stepping out.

" _Ronald Weasley!_ " She stormed over. Severus and Harry stepped back, staying well out of the way.

"H...how did you find me?" Ron asked, leaning back a little himself.

"You got into a floo and shouted where you were going, it wasn't hard." She rolled her eyes before slapping him. "I can't believe you ran off!"

"I didn't _mean_ to!" Ron shouted defensively. "I..."

"Wouldn't you rather do this at home?" Harry asked, clearly implying they should leave.

"We wouldn't even _be_ here if it wasn't for Ron!"

"Severus?!" Harry turned to him for support in getting them to leave but just found him settling himself in his chair, smirking at their argument.

"I think they should stay, this in an important argument after all."

"For god’s sake Severus."

"You just sprung the news on me I panicked!"

"Oh so it's _my_ fault now is it?!"

"No, that's not what I... well yes, sort of!"

Harry turned his glare from Severus to Ron. "How is _that_ the right thing to say?!"

Severus just laughed. "How _should_ she have told you?"

"This doesn't involve _you_!" Ron grumbled at both Harry and Severus.

"It's in our living room." Severus shrugged.

"No, it's fine! You both clearly understand this better than _Ron_ does! So Ron, how _do_ you think I should have told you?!"

"No, we're not doing this... especially not in our living room! _Severus_!"

"Fine." Severus groaned, getting up and herding them into the floo. " _No_ ! Out! Get _out_! It's not fun anymore! Go away!" Once they were in the floo, he grabbed some floo powder throwing it in and saying their location over their arguing and protests about leaving.

"Wow, you really weren't kiddng when you said you'd force them back through the floo!"

"You wanted them gone." Severus shrugged, grabbing Harry and wrapping his arms around him, groping his ass before leaning down to capture him in a deep kiss and starting to pull Harry's shirt off.

"What are you doing?" Harry chuckled, pulling back slightly.

"Just in case they come back." Severus smirked. "Can never be too careful."


	39. Mr & Mr Snape: Lazy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry is feeling lazy & there are flumps.

" _Severus_! Severus, help!"

"What's wrong! Are you..."

"Oh good, you're here... can you pass me the remote?"

"You want the _remote_?!"

"Yeah, it's just there, can you..."

"You called me in, screaming bloody murder, to get you the _remote_?!"

"Yeah. I can't reach it."

"Harry... firstly, the remote is on your leg, just sit up a bit and you'll be able to reach it, secondly and more importantly, you're _a wizard_! Just _accio_ it."

"Oh yeah. Never mind then. Thanks."

"You know, I remember marrying the Boy-Who-Lived not the Man-Who-Lived-To-Lie-On-The-Sofa-A-Lot."

" _Hey_!"

"I'm just saying, this is what happens when you peak too early. See, I waited till I was thirty to save the Wizarding world."

"You're right, I should have asked Voldemort to put it off for a few years."

"If he had, he'd have had a much easier time sneaking up on you while you lay on the couch stuffed full of... _flumps_?"

"Oh my god, they're so _good_. Here."

"I'm good thanks."

"Go on, you know you want to..."

"Fine, if it will stop you shoving it in my face."

"There's no need to snatch... _So?"_

"It tastes like a marshmallow."

"But it's good right?"

"It was great, now if you don't mind I was actually _doing_ something before you decided to interrupt me for your trivialities."

"Okay. Love you."

"Love you too... and I'm taking these."

"I _told_ you they were good."

"I'm just taking them away from you before you start bouncing off the walls from all this sugar. Although maybe that wouldn't be a bad thing."

" _Mean_!"

"And if I happen to get a bit peckish while I'm working then maybe I'll have a couple. Just to tide me over."

" _Right_..."


	40. Mr & Mr Snape: Parted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry has to go away for a few days... Snape is more affected than he expects.

It wasn't that he was scared. No, Slytherins don't get scared. He was just... worried. About how Harry would cope.

Harry was going to be gone for _five days_. The first time he would be away from his husband for an extended period of time. He _hated_ that Severus had to teach and therefore coudn't come with him, but he was excited and couldn't wait to go.

"I'm going to miss you _so_ much." Harry wrapped his arms around Severus. "Quickly! I've cast a extension charm get in." He gestured to his suitcase.

"You know what? I'm okay." Severus chuckled hollowly. "But thanks anyway. It's only five days Harry. I'm sure you'll find away to cope without me for that long."

"I _still_ wish you could come even if it was only an hour long I'd want you to be there."

"You are _such_ a dork. Maybe it will be good to get away from your nauseating romantic drivel."

"And here I was thinking you actually loved me." Harry huffed, turning away.

Severus grabbed his arm spinning him back round. "Of course I love you." He leant forwards, kissing his nose.

"I love you too. Do you think I should go?" Harry asked having second thoughts.

Severus' mind screamed ' _no, don't leave me_ ' but he wasn't going to be the one who stopped Harry from having a good time. He deserved fun and a break.

"Of _course_ you should go. You're just nervous, that's understandable, but once you're there you'll be glad you didn't miss out." Severus promised, hoping his smile didn't look too fake.

"It is only five days and then I can comeback and never let go of you again." Harry joked.

"That works for me. I'll research some permanent sticking charms that are safe for humans while you're away." Severus _really_ didn't want to let go of Harry's hand.

"Good." Harry laughed. "I'd better leave now. Going to see me off?"

"Love, we're next to the fireplace." Severus chuckled, he was really going to miss him.

"Oh yeah, well you know the address to call right?" Harry let go, giving Severus one last squeeze before stepping into the floo.

"Yes, Harry."

"Good. I'll call you everyday." Harry promised.

"It's five days Harry." Severus rolled his eyes, ignoring the crushing weight in his chest."

Harry laughed. "I know but I'll still miss you, love you, talk to you later."

"I love you too, see you."

And with that Harry flooed off. Severus lifted the first thing he could find, an ash tray that contained several small things like pins and bits of change, throwing it against the wall. The ash tray shattered while the contents scattered themselves all over the floor.

"Five days." He whispered to himself, gripping his hair with both hands in an effort to calm himself. "It's not like it's _forever..._ just five days. He'll come back. I'm sure you can handle that." Severus growled at himself, taking deep long shaky breaths until he felt able enough to clean up the mess he's made.

Eventually he did clean it up, casting a repairo and spending upwards of a half hour on his hands and knees trying to find where everything went.

*** * ***

The days were long and abysmal for Severus. After the first night, where he'd tossed and turned in bed unable to get comfortable without feeling Harry's calming presence next to him, he'd renounced the bed and was now sleeping on the settee until Harry came back.

The settee didn't happen to be very comfortable however, so he still hadn't been sleeping much.

Eating was much the same; he normally ate with Harry in the dungeons but now it was eerily quiet without Harry talking to him about his day, so he wasn't eating much either. He'd even contemplated going to eat in the Great Hall but decided against it as that would draw attention to the fact Severus wasn't able to cope on his own.

He hadn't been on his own in a long time and he didn't _want_ to be.

*** * ***

The worst part of his days so far had been the part he'd have thought would be the best. When Harry firecalled him. He was always so happy, eagerly telling Severus all about his day. Which wasn't too bad until Harry would ask about his. He never told the truth, Harry wouldn't hesitate to come back and Severus was tired of messing eveything up.

The worst part was afterwards when he felt empty again.

The whole school was feeling Severus' bad mood. He was tired, hungry and cranky, he was restless yet seemed to have no energy and was constantly snapping at everyone. Quite close to his usual self but cranked up to 100.

The five days passed _excruciatingly_ slowly but still they passed and Severus stayed waiting by the floo. He could have squealed when it flared green and Harry stepped out with his luggage.

He dropped it immediately upon seeing Severus, wrapping his arms around his and kissing him. "I missed you _so_ much. I love you." Harry said when he pulled back for air.

"I... missed you too." Severus replied, still ,shy about being honest with his feelings.

Harry's smile faltered as he took Severus in, he raised a hand to stroke his cheek. "You need some sleep."

"I'm _fine_." Severus took Harry's hand into his own not wanting to talk about anything. He just wanted to relax with Harry.

"Severus, have you been sleeping?"

"Yes." He replied way to fast for Harry's liking.

"How much? And don't think I won't get Madam Pomfry."

"I... enough."

Severus' stomach growled loudly, causing him to blush and suddenly become very interested in his feet.

"You haven't been eating either have you?" Harry asked worried, why he hadn't come to him or told him all the times he'd asked how his day had been.

"I'm really... it's fine."

"No, it's not. We're getting some food in you and then you're going to bed. We can talk about this in the morning." Harry stated firmly.

"But you've just got back. I thought you'd want to spend time with me." He mumbled the last sentence shyly.

"I _do_ want to spend time with you, and trust me I'll be there. I'm quite tired too." Harry half lied. He certainly wasn't tired enough to go to bed but Severus hadn't been the only one to find sleeping alone difficult.

Harry made an early dinner for them both, deliberately making Severus' favourite to entice him a bit more. They ate together somewhat happily though. Severus was still nervous for their talk, and frankly so was Harry, but he was too happy to have Harry back.

Afterwards they cleaned up and went to bed. The first time either of them had been in the bed for five days. Severus instantly clung to Harry, holding tightly and burying his face in Harry's side. Harry wrapped an arm around Severus watching as his body shook with wracking sobs.

"Shh, it's okay." He , stroking Severus' back gently. "I'm here. You're gonna be okay. I love you. Let it all out."

Severus sobbed into Harry's side with abandon, too overwhelmed with emotions he didn't understand to care.

Harry continued whispering soothing words even after Severus was asleep. For the most part Severus had stopped crying, but occasionally he'd start again but only for a little bit before stopping. He mumbled some words. Mostly just ' _I'm sorry. Please don't go. I'll be better_ ' and the one that possibly broke Harry's heart the most. ' _W_ _ill you be back?_ '

He hated the thought that his husband thought he might just leave him. He _especially_ hated the thought that his husband thought _he_ was the reason Harry left, that he believed Harry just wanted to get away from him. That Severus thought so little of himself, that he couldn't see why Harry would never want to leave his side.


	41. Mr & Mr Snape: Halloween

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Snape isn't very enthusiastic about the Headmistress' ideas for Halloween, Harry is though - costumes & sweets... what's not to like?

"Why can't we just have the feast as usual?" Severus complained looking away from the Headmistress who was currently glaring at him.

"I think it's time to do something different. We're only sharing ideas at the moment the feast can be one them. We're just going to toss ideas into the pot."

"It's a tosspot." Severus groaned.

"I hope you don't use language like that around the children." Minerva fixed him with her glare again.

"Only this one." Severus gestured towards Harry.

"I'm _not_ a child. Besides I think this is a great idea. There are loads of different traditions we could look at." Harry started eagerly.

"If only you could project that enthusiasm onto Severus." Minerva shook her head.

"We could do Trick or Treating." Harry was on the edge of his seat. Several of the other teachers looked confused.

"What's that?" Flitwick asked.

Harry hadn't realised that most Wizards would be unfamiliar with the concept.

"It's when Muggle children knock on the doors of strangers and ask for sweets." Severus answered indifferently.

"That could be fun for the children." Minerva replied, while the others mumbled in agreement.

"You have to dress up too." Harry added. "That's _definitely_ part of Muggle Halloween."

The teachers all nodded interestedly.

"Where does the trick come in?" One teacher asked, clearly nervous they were going to have a lot of trouble on their hands.

"That's just a thing you say when you knock on the door... there's not normally many tricks." Harry assured.

"It's a threat." Severus decided to make sure they understood. "They're saying you have to give them a treat or they will ' _trick_ ' you. These tricks often come in the form of throwing eggs or damaging property." He smirked when they seem to go off the idea.

"He's being dramatic, most kids don't do that. Besides we can just leave that bit out." Harry kicked Severus under the table, leaning closer to him. "I _know_ what you're doing." He hissed at Severus.

"That bloody _hurt_." Severus hissed back, rubbing his leg discreetly.

" _Good_. So are we in agreement about Trick or Treating?" Harry asked.

"I think it's a _wonderful_ idea. We'll have to figure out how to get the students their costumes but I trust you can all get yours yourselves."

" _Us_?" Severus asked, looking stricken.

"Well of course everyone's dressing up."

"No. _No no no no n_..." He was cut off by another sharp kick, he glared around at Harry who smilled at him innocently.

"I'll talk to him about it later." Harry turned to the headmistress.

"Good. Now is everyone on board with Harry's idea."

There were several murmurs of agreement with the odd exclamation that it would be a fantastic change - only Severus stayed silent.

"What about you?" Harry asked, pretty confident he knew the answer.

Severus crossed his arms looking surly. "Depends if you're going to kick me again."

"Sorry." Harry said genuinely, running his hand on Severus' thigh unable to reach where he'd kicked him.

Severus looked him up and down. "I'm prepared to forgive you."

Harry just gave him a smile. "Later."

*** * ***

"I'm _not_ wearing a costume to hand out sweets. It's ridiculous."

"Nooo, come on it'll be fun!"

"See, in my world fun and humiliating are different things."

"How will it be humiliating if _everyone's_ dressed up?"

"Because I'm a grown ass man?"

"You're acting like a child."

"That's _my_ line."

"Well you _are_. You're making so much fuss over wearing a costume."

"You're going to make me look stupid." Severus slumped down in his chair, Harry sighed regretting how hard he was being on his husband. He knew things like this would be difficult for him. Being outside his comfort zone and not having what Severus would consider to be his suit of armour.

Harry sat down next to him on the arm of the chair, pulling Severus' head to lie on his chest  and  running his finger through his hair gently.

"We still have time so you can adjust and feel more comfortable with it, but if you're still too worried on Halloween I won't force you."

"I'm never going to like it." Severus reply was somewhat muffled, due to his face being pressed into Harry's chest.

"I know you feel that way now, but we can find you a really nice costume that you'll feel really good in and you can try it on before Halloween to see if you like it. Okay?"

Severus just nodded, too tired to answer Harry stroking his head like that never failed to calm him.

*** * ***

" _Harry_?! The elves said they were dropping off eight bags of sweets but we only have six. Do you know where the others are?"

"'O slor'y I don't 'ow."

" _Harry_! For gods sake. I've got to go ask the elves for _more_ now. I'm telling them the truth, you know. That my husband ate two packs by himself."

"Wait, wait! Ask for three." Harry grabbed another bag, going to open it, but Severus snatched if out of his hands.

"I'm putting these on the high shelf." He picked up the other bags too.

"What? No fair."

"Yes, I'm such an arsehole to not want you to develop type two diabetes."

*** * ***

Severus was in the kitchen making himself a cup of tea to go with the nice book and donut he had planneed for the evening. He turned to see Harry, who had come into the room uncharateristically quietly and was standing very close behind him, wearing white face paint, with black smudged all round his eyes, his mouth open to show his fake fangs, his hands up as though he were about to claw at Severus and draped in red and black robes.

"I'm making tea, would you like one?"

Harry stared at him unable to speak. He frowned, dropping his hands pouting. "That's it?"

"What did you expect me to be making? A five course meal?"

"Not the bloody _tea_!"

"Oh? Well then, what?" Severus asked, blowing his tea before taking a sip, his eyebrow raised in interest.

" _Really_? Look at me."

"I  _am_ looking at you."

"Nothing? You  _really_ don't notice  _anything_ different about me?"

Severus squinted as though trying to figure it out. "You really need to spend less time in the dungeons, you're getting really pale and maybe a good nights sleep wouldn't do you any harm." Severus shrugged, walking into the living room.

"It's face paint, you berk!" Harry shouted, storming after him.

"Really?" Severus replied sarcastically. "I had _no_ idea. And this is in aid of?"

"Halloween dumbass!"

"Oh, I was under the impression that was celebrated on the 31st."

"Can you stop being sarcastic for two minutes?"

"It's my defence against what ever  _this_ is."

" _This._ Is Dracula."

" _This._ Is a pillock with plastic teeth and dreadful face paint... on a random day of the year mind."

"It's not random, I'm getting a feel for the costume. Seeing how I'll look in it."

"You look much the same way anyone wearing that would look. Like an idiot."

"Hmph." Harry turned away from him to look in the mirror. "I think it looks good."

"Vampires can't see themselves in mirrors, had you had  _me_ as your  D efence teacher you'd probably have learned that. Though that does explain why you think you look good in that."

"Whatever. The kids will like it when I answer the door, since _you're_ going to be a grouch the whole night."

"If you answer the door like that you'll be sending them away screaming."

"You think it's too scary?"

"I didn't say screaming in fright." Severus replied, lifting the donut to his mouth.

" _Hey_! Is that one of mine?" Harry asked.

"Well _you_ can't eat it."

"Why?"

"Bad for the teeth." Severus smiked, taking a bite. Harry groaned, pulling his fake fangs out and throwing them at Severus, who ducked laughing as Harry slammed the bedroom door, off to think of another costume idea.

*** * ***

"Shame you and Severus can't come to the party." Ron said, pushing his fur out of his eyes as he was currently dressed as the Beast with Hermione next to him as Belle.

Clearly a lot of effort had gone into taming her wild hair which was now neat waves, and she was wearing the signature yellow ball gown. Ron was dressed in a blue suit with orange fur poking out of the cuffs going over his hands up his neck and around his face.

Hermione had just finished explaining to Harry how she had managed to do it and that it was all real. Also adding, quite irritably Harry thought, that Ron refused to have to colour of the fur changed.

"Yeah it sounds like it's gonna be so much fun but you know... McGonagall." Harry himself was dressed as Robin, complete with green tights and yellow cape.

Severus walked in eyeing Heriome and Ron up immediately. "Why are _they_ here?" He asked Harry, he hadn't wanted anyong to see him in his costume.

"We're just popping through on our way to the party." Hermione answered. "What do you think of our costumes?"

"Don't ask him. He's hopeless... and rude." Harry said, glaring at his husband as warning to be nice.

Severus looked them up and down. "Should I... understand?"

"It's a Muggle kids fariytale. Beauty and the beast." Hermione explained.

Ron shrugged at Severus, and Harry shook his head - a sign not to ask - so Severus just nodded. "Look... great." He said dryly.

"I thought _you_ both had to dress up." Ron said.

"He is." Harry said as though it was obvious, Severus glared at him. Ron and Hermione looked at Severus in disbelief - he didn't look any different from his usual. "Show them."

"No."

"Come on, you've got to show us." Ron said, but looked nervous when Severus moved his glare over to him shuffling uncomfortably.

"No."

"Please Severus?"

"No."

"Go _on_." Harry urged. "There's no point buying a costume if you're not going to show anyone."

"That's what  _I_ said when you insisted I buy one. Don't you have a party to go to?" He turned to Ron and Hermione. 

"We want to see your costume first." Hermione said, the braver of the two.

Harry groaned, leaning up to whisper in his husbands ear. "We can do that thing."

"You said you'd _never_ do that."

"I will if you show them."

"...Ugh. _Fine_." Harry knew he wouldn't be able to resist.

Severus stretched his arms, revealing fabric connecting his sleeves to his robes giving the appearance of wings but cut specifically into bat wings.

He face remained stoic as he stood there, wishing he could crawl under a rock.

"It looks great." Hermione smiled, probably sensing Severus' discomfort.

Ron just laughed. "You really _are_ the bat of the dungeon now." He climbed into the floo, likely wishing to make his escape with the way Severus was looking at him.

*** * ***

"Oh for gods... _Harry_! This bowl was full twenty minutes ago."

"Well, I didn't have anything to do with it!" Harry turned away clearly affronted, Severus just raised an eyebrow.

" _Really_? So it just disapeared on it's own did it?"

"Maybe. Weirder things have happened."

"Yes but only about three."

"Look, I don't understand why you always come to me when there's food missing... I think it's prejudice."

"I think it's that there's two people in this house and I _know_ I didn't eat it - that leaves you."

"That doesn't prove _anything,_ it could have been one of the elves or nargles - Luna says they're always stealing things."

"What about the fact that it's always you?"

"It's not _always_ me."

"Alright, what about the chocolate all around your mouth?"

"Most people would have lead with that!" Harry wiped his mouth on his sleeve.

*** * ***

"Is it too late to go back on this?!" Harry asked through the bathroom door.

"Yes." Severus replied. " _Much_ too late. Now, are you going to come out at some point?"

"Fine. I coming, hang on." Harry opened the door awkwardly, stepping out to reaveal that he was wearing a short tight little maid outfit complete with stockings and shiny black heels.

"Very fetching, but I don't believe this was the whole deal."

"Yeah, yeah, I'm getting it, keep your hair on." Harry grumbled, walking past the bed to go to the kitchen - Severus reached out from the bed grabbing Harry's hips.

"Perhaps you need to be reminded of your position?" Harry's breath hitched being pulled closer to Severus, as his hands travelled further up his thighs. "Or maybe you should just go get me my breakfast." He let go of Harry.

" _Tease_." Harry grumbled, walking to leave again.

"Only a little, but mainly I wanted to see if you had kept up the whole deal." He smirked as Harry blushed, scurrying out of the room.

He came back in carrying a tray of toast and marmalade and a cup of tea, laying it down on Severus' lap, watching as Severus looked over it scruitinizing his work.

"Passable." He finally announced. Then turned to Harry raising an eyebrow, Harry groaned, kneeling next to the bed. " _Much_ better." Severus smiled, patting Harry on the head.

He then began his toast and tea, removing the crusts and holding them out to Harry who looked up confused.

"Well I'm hardly going to let you starve." He smilled, still profering the crusts. "I'll need you in good health for what I have planned." He gave a smirk while Harry leaned forward to take the pieces in his mouth, getting crumbs all over his costume.


	42. Mr & Mr Snape: Harry's Rules For Cake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry REALLY likes cake!

**1** Calories from licking the batter from a bowl or spoon don't count.

  
**2** Sharing makes cakes taste better, but cakes already taste great so sharing is unnecessary.

  
**3** If you made the cake - regardless of whether the other person wanted it, or indeed got any - means they clean up the mess... unless Severus makes cupcakes, then eats them in front of you and tells you to clean up to prove this rule is unfair.

  
**4** Making savoury cakes is wrong. Making them and not _telling_ you they're savoury is worse.

  
      **4.1** Spitting out a cheese muffin Severus made, before exclaiming “ _A_ _**savoury**_ _muffin!!!_ ” several times and then leaving the room taking four with you is _totally_ called for.

  
**5** It is perfectly reasonable to be caught making cake at 3 in the morning. It is _not_ perfectly reasonable to be marched back to bed when there is delicious cake batter in the kitchen unattended.

  
**6** Sitting on the kitchen floor and shouting at the oven is okay as it helps the cake bake faster, and you should not be called a lunatic for doing so.

  
**7** Not _all_ of life's problems can be solved with cake but that doesn't mean you shouldn't give it a bloody good go.

  
**8** Putting my cakes on the high shelf is mean and should never be done, even if my ass looks great when I reach like that.

 ** **8.1**** If you put my cakes on the high self you should be prepared for me to use any means necessary to get them down.

  
**9** Walking in on me moaning and licking cakes does _not_ mean things have gone too far.

  
**10** If I ask you to bring back cake I do _not_ mean a slice.

  
      **10.1** Nor do I mean anything that can be even vaguely related to healthy.

  
**11** When I say things like “ _I would fuck_ _M_ _r Kipling_ ” it isn't really true and you shouldn't be jealous.

  
**12** You also shouldn't get jealous when my friends say things like “ _If you had to pick cake or Severus who would you choose?_ ” and I hesitate. It’s an important question, and one that should be treated with care - besides you know I'd pick you every time. And I could still have chocolate.

  
**13** It _is_ necessary to stop and stare into the window of every cake shop we pass, how else would I know if I wanted cake?

  
**14** And finally, making me a cake for my birthday is nice and cute. Making it into the shape of a cactus and then icing ‘ _you're a prick_ ’ onto it is just rude and uncalled for.


	43. Mr & Mr Snape: Swimming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry can't swim & Severus wants to fix it... Harry's not so sure about it.

"No."

"Harry, you _need_ to learn this at some point."

" _No_."

"Well, you'll learn quickly when I push you in."

Harry jumped up, wrapping his arms around Severus and clinging on. "You _wouldn't!_ "

"You're right, I wouldn't... but you're still getting in." Severus replied, patting Harry on the head.

"No, I don't want to. I'll drown." Harry looked down at the lake.

"No you won't, I'll have you. Besides, if you're worried about drowning then it's best you learn how to swim then you won't. I still can't believe you don't know how!"

"Why should I know? It's not like the Dursleys ever took me." Harry said defensively, but still not quite ready to let go of his hold on the man.

"I'm not blaming you." Severus said, gently stroking his hair. "It's just odd since you swam in the second task."

"But I'd had gilly weed then, I didn't _need_ to think about how I was doing it. I just _was_."

"I know, my little thief. But you need to learn now. I'm not losing you because you convinced me that learning to swim would be pointless."

Harry thought for a minute - when he put it like that he did want to learn, but he was still scared... he knew Severus would always protect him but that was on land, in water he couldn't be so sure.

Harry dipped his toe in carefully, pulling it back out immediately. "It's cold." He crossed his arms, pouting - looking in Severus' opinion like a little child.

Severus chuckled. "It will be alright once you get in. We didn't come here just so you could leer at me in my costume."

" _You_ may not have." Harry smirked, his eyes moving down to Severus' ass.

Severus looked good out of all of his layers of robes. He was, of course, wearing black swim trunks - though Harry had suggested a speedo - with his wand sticking out of the waistband. The rest of his body was uncovered, the paleness of his skin a stark contrast to the black of his shorts. His hair was the same as usual and being blown to the side by the slight breeze, causing him to have to keep pushing it back out of his face.

Harry was much the same - his hair being blown all over the place and his wand stuck in his waistband. He was however a little more tanned and wearing red trunks with two gold lines that intertwined going up the leg, that Severus had brought especially to somewhat entice Harry into trying to swim.

"Stop  _staring_ at me like that." Severus playfully swatted Harry. "Come on, give me your hand and we'll walk in together." Severus leant down to kiss his forehead. "I won't let anything happen to you." He promised, taking Harry's hand and leading him to the water.

Severus lead Harry out, hearing him give a squeak when the water touched his foot. Harry was almost fully submerged while the water only came up to the waist on Severus.

"Okay, we'll stop here." Severus stopped, looking down at Harry and turning him so they were facing each other - they stood just looking at each other while Severus let Harry get used to being in the water.

"Okay, I've got you so just let your legs drift up naturally... don't try to keep them down." Severus instructed after a while.

"Why? I've done it! I'm swimming." Harry shrugged, ready to get back to land.

"Harry, this isn't swimming... this is standing in the water."

"What's the difference?"

"The difference is if you were to move a little to your left you'd probably drown." Harry quickly stepped right. "Harry! I'm not going to let you drown."

"I know I'm just..."

"Here, why don't you get your head wet? I'll hold you, just go under a bit." Severus suggested, holding Harry's shoulders gently.

"I'm good. I forgot to tell you I had an ear infection and..."

Severus chuckled, ducking down under the water. Harry watched him disappear, still feeling his hands but they had moved to his waist. He jumped when he felt a sharp bite to his nipple.

"Do you _mind_?!" Harry asked, pulling Severus' head up.

"Not at all. I was just showing how easy it is. Now you try." Severus urged.

Harry swallowed, looking into the water unsure. "You'll hold me?"

"Yes."

Harry nodded bending his knees and dropping under the water, his eyes tightly closed and holding his breath. After a few seconds he came back up, immensely proud of himself. Severus was proud of him too.

As soon as Harry was back up he was pulled into a hug. "You did so well." Severus proclaimed, kissing him.

Harry laughed, pulling back. "I come up for breath and you attack my mouth."

"Are you complaining?"

"No." Harry kissed him back. "Just pointing things out. You know you look sexy wet."

"Are you still just pointing things out? Because if we are then you look sexy wet too... and dry and just generally."

"That explains why you feel the need to jump on me at inappropriate times."

"Like while I'm trying to give you a swimming lesson?" Severus smirked.

" _Exactly_ like that." Harry moved closer to Severus ‘ _W_ _ith sex can get you out of pretty much anything._ ’ he thought.

But Severus was too determined to teach Harry at least the basics of swimming today, so he pushed him back a bit. "Nice try, but we're finishing your lesson."

"Any chance you mean ending it and fucking on the grass?"

"None whatsoever."

"Tch. _Fine_." Severus chuckled stepping back. "W...where are you going?" Harry asked, slightly panicked as he felt like he was being pulled further out.

"I'm just stepping back so that I can hold you while you kick your legs." Severus explained, moving back a little more. "Now, just like I said before... let your feet drift up, I've got you."

"You know I've heard of people taking their spouses to lakes and drowning them. For money and stuff."

"Harry, I'm very accomplished in potions, I could easily poison you and it would be completely untraceable - you think I'd really go to the bother of taking you to a lake?"

"Oh thanks! I feel much better."

Severus shrugged. "It will stop you asking me for tea constantly at any rate."

"I doubt it."

"I do too, now do what I said." Harry stood awkwardly, not wanting to. "Why don't we try getting you to float first?" Severus asked, Harry thought about it... that seemed a lot easier so he nodded.

"Okay? How?"

Severus turned Harry around. "Okay, let your legs drift up so you're floating on your back."

Harry did so, with Severus still holding onto him, floating on his back. He was surprised that it was actually pretty calming, he was glad Severus was holding him, keeping him from going too far away.

Severus bent forwards to kiss Harry. "Having fun?" He asked, seeing Harry's smile.

"It's nice." Harry said contentedly, giving a sigh.

"Good, at least now if you fall into water you can float your way to safety." Severus smirked. "Now why don't you try actual swimming. Just roll over, I'll hold onto you."

Harry took a breath doing what Severus had told him to. He still didn't like the feeling that he might just drift away forever but Severus was holding him, he trusted him so everthing would be fine.

"There we go. Very good, now kick your legs." Harry kicked hard, his legs smacking off the water splashing everywhere. "Great, just try not to drench us."

"We're in the middle of a lake!"

"Touche! Just be more gentle." Severus started moving around so he could be at Harry's side, rather than at his front.

"What are you _doing_?"

"Just moving here." Severus stopped at Harry's side, reaching out to hold Harry's arms. "Now just move your arms like this." He moved Harry's arms so it looked as though he was pushing the water in front of him out it the way. Or like this." He started to move them one at a time in a standard front crawl.

"How do I breathe?" Harry asked, already finding it difficult.

"Just move your head to the side the opposite to whichever arm you're moving."

Harry nodded slightly. "Okay." He wasn't entirely sure he'd be able to do it though.

"Now try moving forwards a little." Severus suggested.

Harry started swimming forwards, cautiously before standing up abruptly. "You _promise_ you won't let go?" He asked, giving Severus a serious look.

"Of course I won't let go, now go on... you were doing really well."

Harry blushed at the praise and started again swimming, slowly and cautiously. Things were going well until Severus pointeed something out.

"Okay, so we're far enough in now that you won't be able to stand up anymore."

" _What_!?" Harry panicked, flailing around wildly splashing everywhere and starting to sink.

Severus groaned, grabbing hold of Harry and holding him steady, keeping him from going under. Harry coughed up some water, shaking his head to get it out of his eyes. "Are you alright?" Severus asked concerned.

" _No_! I nearly _died_! I almost _drowned_!" Harry shouted, as though it was Severus' fault.

"You didn't nearly drown, you were doing well until you had a freak out." Severus rolled his eyes at Harry's dramatics.

"Was I _really_ doing well?" Harry asked shyly, he wasn't as scared now that Severus was holding him close even if he couldn't feel anything solid under his feet.

"You were doing amazing, want to try swimming back?" He doubted Harry would but he could ask.

"No, I think I'm done with swimming for today. But how am I going to get back?" Harry asked, looking back at where their clothes and bags were - they seemed to be miles away.

"I was just going to leave you here." Severus joked, Harry clearly didn't fine it funny by the swift kick he gave to Severus even while he clung on to his shoulders tighter. "I was only kidding but I will if you do that again. Now I was thinking something like this." He took Harry's arms hauling him so he was lying with his chest on Severus' back. "Hold on." Severus warned Harry before he started to swim forwards. Harry wrapped his arms around Severus' neck, trying to be gentle.

Harry was a bit panicked at first but then he started to enjoy it, laughing and kicking his feet happily like a child. Even while he was busy swimming Severus had to smile at his adorable husband. By the time they had got back to land Harry didn't want to let go.

"Can you swim around a bit more?" Harry mumbled quietly, Severus probably wouldn't have even heard it had Harry not been on his back with his mouth very close to his ear.

"Alright." Severus conceded, unable to deny Harry anything when he was being so cute.


	44. Mr & Mr Snape: Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry & Severus reminisce about their first night together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So very fluffy!

"Do you remember our first night together?" Harry asked, leaning back on the settee and stretching out.

Severus gave a small smile as the memory flashed across his mind, putting down the book he'd been reading. "You came down here. You said you'd just stay for a drink."

"I really _was_ just going to stay for one drink."

Severus smirked. "Until it turned into two."

"You took the bottle away." Harry huffed jokingly.

"And you straddled me in a feeble attempt to get it back."

"Once I was on top of you I didn't care about the bottle anymore. I just needed you."

"I could feel how hard you were, it was hard to ignore the way you were digging into me. I wanted to just throw you to the floor and take you. It was torture restraining myself."

"I'll bet. I could feel you too, pressing hard into my thigh."

"I tried to hide it before you started grinding on me."

"I caught you off guard." Harry said, moving to sit next to Severus properly and leaning on him, absently running his hand over his arm and chest.

"I dropped the bottle." They both laughed.

"So I pouted, but you just said you'd rather I be sober for it."

"I didn't want you to do anything you might regret."

"I'll never regret being with you."

"That's what you said then."

"I mean it. I _always_ meant it."

Severus took his hand pressing a kiss to it, a silent ' _I love you_ '. "I asked if you wanted to keep going the way we were or if you wanted to take it to the bedroom."

"I thought I might cry I was so happy... and nervous."

"You whispered ' _bedroom_ ' against my lips and then kissed me."

"You picked me up and carried me to the bedroom blindly."

"I wasn't willing to break our kiss."

"I never noticed you walk into the table. I only found out the next day when you had that giant bruise on your leg."

"You were quite bruised the next day as well."

"I liked being reminded of you when I looked at myself."

"You looked amazing laid out for me, I just wanted my hands on you."

"You kept asking if it was okay."

"I wanted to be sure. I didn't want to hurt you."

"You asked if I was a virgin and I got embarrassed, but you said it didn't matter to you if I'd never had anyone or if I'd had a hundred men, I was there with you and that was all that mattered."

"I was telling the truth. It _didn't_ matter. I wanted to make sure I prepared you properly. Like I said I never want to hurt you."

"You kept telling me how beautiful and perfect I was, I wanted to tell you how beautiful and perfect you were but I couldn't find the words. I couldn't find any words."

"You found ' _more_ ' relatively easily."

"You called me greedy."

"You  _are_ greedy."

"Only for you."

"And chocolate and cake and cookies."

"Maybe I just like things that are bad for me."

"I'm bad for you now, am I?"

"I have a bit of a tendency to turned into a deviant when you're around." Harry gave Severus a smile that practically screamed ' _fuck me on the floor_ '.

"Finish the story first." Severus smirked back at Harry's irritated look.

"You took me on my back. You said you wanted to see my face."

"Because it's beautiful."

"You kissed my head and held me as close as you could."

"It wasn't close enough for you, you told me to hold you like I loved you." Severus chuckled lightly, there could have been no doubt even then as to how much Severus loved him.

"You said you couldn't because if you held me as much as you loved me you'd crush me."

"I never really knew if it came out as sweet as I'd meant it."

"I thought it was the hottest and sweetest thing I'd ever heard. I never told anyone you'd said it even though I wanted to tell everyone, it seemed too special."

"That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard."

"You big dork."

" _Your_ big dork." They just smiled at each other for a second. "You looked so beautiful when you came. I wanted to see it again and again."

"But it was late."

"And you were tired."

"We both were."

"Too lazy to even shower."

"To lazy to move, you had to roll me over."

"You clung to me for the rest of the night."

"Are you going to pretend that you didn't cling back?"

"I don't think the universe could handle a lie that big."

"I didn't want to leave in the morning."

"I didn't think you'd be able, the amount of cum and sweat between us, I thought we'd be stuck together."

"You're _so_ romantic."

"You were shy in the morning." Severus reminisced absently, ignoring Harry's sarcasm. "So I let you shower first, alone."

"I was a state when I looked in the mirror but I couldn't deny that I was glowing. Like I was a light and you had turned me on."

"I think it's pretty fair to say I _definately_ turned you on."

Harry shook his head, rolling his eyes. "You made breakfast while I was in the shower. You said you'd shower after, that you wanted to eat with me."

"I made pancakes, I wanted to finish them."

Harry hit him with a cushion. "Arsehole."

"Okay maybe I stayed for more than the pancakes."

"Coffee as well, right?"

"You steal _all_ my jokes."

"No idea what you're talking about."

Severus smiled shaking his head. "Anyway what brought this on?"

"I don't know, I just remembered."

"The first time we slept together?" Severus asked, wondering what could have prompted it.

"No, I just remembered how much I love you."

"I love you too." Severus bent forward to kiss Harry's nose. "Still up for a fuck?"

"Hell yes!"


	45. Mr & Mr Snape: Colin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Colin's creepy, Severus is snarky & Harry is going to kill his husband if they get it of this.

Severus woke up his neck aching the way it usually did when he fell asleep in his chair, and his head lolled around without a pillow. He grumbled and cracked his neck loudly, trying to move his hand to stretch but found he couldn't. His eyes snapped open to look around himself.

He was tied to a chair in a large, slightly sinister looking room that was mostly concrete, his hands were tied behind him and he could feel something squishy and familiar; he pressed his hands into it hoping to figure out what it was.

"Not _now,_ Severus." Harry's voice came from behind him.

' _Oh, Harry's arse._ ' Severus realised. "Harry, wake up." Severus said, rolling his eyes.

"Mmm... What? _Hey_ , this isn't the dungeon!"

"Excellent observation, anything else you'd like to conclude?"

"No need to get all sarky, I've just woke up."

"So have I and _I'm_ not being dim."

"You don't have to be all grumpy with me, _I'm_ not the one who kidnapped us." Harry said, more casually than one would expect.

"I do, it's _your_ fault."

" _How_?!"

"' _No, honestly, they're really good… of course I trust him, I've known him for years, he's a bit weird but harmless._ '" Severus mimicked Harry's words in a high pitched voice. They'd been sent some chocolates and, despite Severus' trepidation, Harry had been adamant they'd be fine.

"You think it was..."

The door burst open, which only Severus could see without having to crane his head, in the doorway stood Colin Creevey, standing smirking ominously, a camera as always around his neck.

"I'm gonna say yes." Severus smiled smugly.

Creevey walked in, letting the door close behind him.

"Welcome, I hope you'll like it here." He said, trying to sound threatening but it seemed to only work on half of the duo.

Severus just shrugged. "I could think of some improvements."

Creevey sneered at him, though it paled in comparison to Severus' own infamous sneer. "Of course _you_ wouldn't be scared, an ex-Deatheater."

Severus remained unimpressed. "The whole Wizarding world knows I was a Deatheater, it's not like you had to dig particularly deep."

Harry hoped Severus had a plan but he was worried that he was just riling Colin up.

"Do you even _remember_ me?" Colin asked, looking directly at Severus, who sat forward slightly - as much as his restraints allowed - he had no doubt Harry would remember him.

"Now..." He said, giving him an intense look. "...I know the face."

This seemed to really piss Colin off as he drew his wand. Harry couldn't really see but he'd heard the telltale swish and had tensed, Severus however remained relaxed next to him. Severus simply rolled his eyes like he'd seen it all before.

"Of course I remember you. You're Colin Creepy."

"It's _Creevey_." Colin growled.

"I know, I was being disrespectful." Severus explained, as though talking to a particularly stupid child.

"Do _not_ patronise me!" Colin pushed his wand into Severus' chest.

"I was being condescending." Severus replied patronisingly, amusement obvious in his eyes.

Now Harry could tell Severus was just trying to get on Colin's nerves, he pinched him to get his attention discreetly. "Stop winding him up!" He whispered but his panic had made it come out a bit louder than he'd have liked.

Severus chuckled, Colin's wand still in his chest. "Where did you learn to whisper? A helicopter?"

Creevey glared at Severus one last time before looking at Harry. "You should tell your boyfriend to shut up."

"We're married." Severus corrected.

"Do I _look_ like someone who fucking cares?" Colin shouted.

"No, but if I told you what you actually look like you'll probably put your wand on my chest again, and you've already said I should shut up, so I suppose I'll hold my tongue."

"Unlikely." Harry mumbled and Severus smirked.

"I _knew_ you would be difficult. You'd try to keep some power." Colin laughed, a little manically. "But you have _none_ , it's all _mine_! You're bound and I have your wands!" He said breathlessly, pulling them out... he held Harry's up reverentially. "The wand that killed Voldemort." He whispered.

"See, _that's_ how you whisper." Severus whispered to Harry.

"Can you stop trying to antagonize him. He's crazy and we don't have anything."

" _Stop_? But this is _much_ more fun than what we had planned for today."

"Fun is _not_ the word I would..."

"What are you two whispering about." Colin interrupted them, angry they weren't paying attention to him.

"Oh," Severus began and Harry knew he wasn't going to stop. "We were just saying. Very scary, I even felt a shudder go right up my little finger."

Harry couldn't help the laugh trying to get through -it was like being told off by a teacher, when you're trying not to laugh because it's serious but your friend is with you being an idiot and incredibly unhelpful - but it soon left at the sound of wood hitting the floor, specifically holly, and he saw his wand roll out in front of him teasingly. A few seconds later Severus' did the same, Harry presumed it was in front of Severus the same as it was for him.

Colin picked up his camera and held it in front of Severus.

"No pictures please." He said, in an eerie impression of Lockhart, before giving a smoulder; Colin's moved away choosing to shoot Harry instead. "Aww, did I ruin your picture?" Severus asked with mock sincerity.

"Severus, _stop_!" Harry tried, though he knew it would be futile. How could Severus be having so much fun when they were in such a dire situation, maybe he was just underestimating Colin and his abilities.

"No, it's alright, let him make his jokes... he'll be screaming soon enough."

"What do you _want_ Colin." Harry asked desperately, he needed to talk him out of it.

"An apology." Colin said simply, but Harry didn't know what for.

"We're sorry, alright Colin. We're _sorry_."

"I want one from _him_." Colin pointed to Severus, getting more snaps of Harry.

"Oh dear God." Harry groaned, knowing the chances of that were incredibly slim. "Severus..." Harry warned.

"Sorry... is the most difficult word to say," Severus began pretentiously. "Luckily ‘ _creepy twink pervert with a camera_ ’ really rolls off the tongue." He sniggered, still refusing to take any of it seriously.

"You're going to pay for that." Colin snarled.

Harry could hear the anger in Colin's voice but Severus still didn't seem to care, even as Colin held his wand pointing it towards him.

"I have work tomorrow, should I call in dead?" He asked and Harry could _hear_ the smirk in his voice.

Colin went to do something Harry couldn't see, he didn't want Severus to get hurt even if he was deliberately being an arse to get a reaction. He panicked and quickly decided to get Colin talking again.

"Why are you _doing_ this?"

" _Why_?! So people know my name." Colin said and it was, in Harry's opinion, the creepiest he'd sounded all day.

"People already know your name." He tried feebly.

"You're doing great, sweetie." Severus whispered to Harry with all the sarcasm that can be put into a whisper.

"No one _cares_!" Colin said vehemently. "No one knows who I am! I can't _do_ anything! But they'll know it soon! _All_ of them."

"N-no Colin. You _can_ do things. You could... It would be really good if you erm... t-take that thing you do with your camera and..."

"Fucked off." Severus finished for him and Harry _really_ wished he could give him a smack.

" _See_?! I'm a joke, but you won't be laughing when I kill your _husband_." Colin laughed again, a loud evil cackle, the laugh of a madman.

He raised his wand pointing it at Harry. " _Avada_..."

Severus was up and out of his bounds before he could finish. Colin lay on the ground, Severus' boot pressing his face into the concrete.

"What was that? I can't hear you above all the whimpering." Severus still wasn't finished joking around. He kicked Colin a few times for good measure before bending down and plucking the wand out of his hand, pointing it at him. " _Incarcerous_." Ribbons flew from Colin's wand and bound the boy on the floor.

"You could have done that the whole time?" Harry asked.

"Yes." He easily cut Harry's ropes with Colin's wand, giving Harry a hug when he got up and mumbling an "Are you okay?" Only letting go when he saw a nod, or rather felt it on his chest, before going to fetch his own wand. Harry went and picked up his.

"How did you...?"

"They were simple bonds, he didn't even use magic to reinforce them. _Amateur_." He rolled his eyes, then let them settle on Harry.

Severus walked over to Colin who was lying bound and in pain on the floor in a heap, he lifted Colin's camera inspecting it, it didn't seem really broken, he gestured for Harry to come over. He did so and could see where Severus was going with it, Severus hauled Colin to his feet, who tried to get back down.

"Oh, come on. Don't you want to get in on the picture? You didn't seem to have any problems taking pictures of us." Severus' eyes flashed dangerously. "Of _Harry_."

He took a picture, making sure to get all three of them in it, though Colin was trying to hide. Once he was done he dropped Colin's camera unceremoniously to the floor and heard a squeak from Colin. Feeling cruel with the memory of him trying to kill Harry fresh in his mind, he stamped on the camera making sure Colin could see.

" _Oops_." He said insincerely.

"You did that on purpose." Colin accused.

"That is a complete... no yeah, I did." He held up the picture, it was magical and so already developed. "I see why you're usually behind the camera." He said. "Still I look good, Harry looks good and as Meatloaf said ' _two out of three ain't bad_.'" He sang the end with a smirk, before kicking Colin hard in the spine, bending down and gripping his hair pulling him upwards. "If you _ever_ come near Harry again don't expect mercy." He snarled. "He's _mine_ and I won't let you or anybody else harm him in anyway."

And Harry realised he stood corrected, Colin wasn't creepy or scary he was just an insane idiot, Severus was scary. Well no, he wasn't, not to _Harry_ at least; he'd definitely lost that status when they sat together painting each others nails like tween girls or hung around talking absolute rubbish in the evenings, but he _was_ scary. He could tell by the way Colin was trembling even though Severus was no where near him any more. It was comforting to know that Severus loved him and would do anything for him, he felt safe and he wrapped his arms around the man, rubbing his face on him.

Severus chuckled, feeling Harry's erection digging into his leg. "Did that turn you on?"

"It was pretty hot, especially the last bit about being _yours_."

"The aurors can take care of that," He glanced at Colin. "He must have a bed around this place somewhere, or a wall would do nicely." Severus said lifting Harry, he hadn't really expected it but he never could say no to Harry.


	46. Mr & Mr Snape: Awkward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes Snape enjoys deliberately embarrassing Ron, sometimes he does it completely by accident.

"And this is the bathroom." Harry said, opening the door. He had been showing Ron around his and Severus' new house.

Ron wandered around the room; it was a nice bathroom, big and roomy. As with most of the house it was decorated in black with a sleek, fitted design.

He stared at the large corner bathtub, the towel rack with the Mr S towels he and Hermione had got them as a wedding present and the mass of cupboard space, until his eyes fixed onto the shower. Or more specifically the _rails_ in the shower.

"What are the rails for? To keep Severus from falling over?" Ron laughed, Severus' age was always the subject of jokes.

"Actually, Mr Weasley." Severus began from behind them, making both Harry and Ron jump and turn. "It is merely a place to strap Harry down and make him beg for me." He stated matter of factly with a smirk, wrapping his arms around a now blushing Harry before watching Ron flush up to his ears and awkwardly blabber excuses out of the room.

*** * ***

Ron walked into the room to find clothes strewn over the furniture and rolled his eyes, used to his friends antics by this point.

"Wait here, I'll be back in a sec." Harry said, rushing off to the bedroom to grab something before he left.

Severus walked in nodding to Ron in greeting.

"Good night?" Ron asked, looking around.

"Quite." Severus answered. "Actually," He began. "I wouldn't sit there if I were you."

Ron stood up quickly, seeing some trousers behind him. He moved over to the chair further across the room and went to sit there.

"Oh, we got rather carried away on the chair as well."

He jumped up and walked over, standing on the rug in the middle of the room. "Is _this_ alright? I presume the _floor's_ okay?"

"Yeah... Not really..."

Ron moved off the rug. "Merlin, I'm gonna have to wipe my shoes before _leaving_ your house. Is there anywhere in this house you _haven't_ fucked?"

Severus put a finger to his lips in thought. "Had this been a week ago I'd have said the ironing board." He said plainly, while Ron's eyes widened.

"I'm ready. See you Severus." Harry leant down for a kiss.

"Bye, Harry."

"The _ironing board_?" Ron mumbled, leaving the house with Harry who threw Severus a questioning look. Severus just smiled back.

"I think he's in shock."

*** * ***

Severus peppered kisses along Harry's neck trailing down his stomach before licking a line up his clothed dick.

" _Shit_. Don't tease." Harry groaned.

"You love it." Severus smirked.

"Harry, are you h..." Ron whose head had just popped up in the fireplace cut himself off. " _Harry_!"

" _Ron_!" Harry grabbed the edge of the rug pulling it over himself and Severus who shrugged it off.

"D’you mind, that's hot." He said, already quite warm from their activities and the fact he was next to a fire. Completely unashamed that they had been caught.

"I... erm..." Ron tried to explain but couldn't form words.

"I've told you before to send a letter first instead of just calling." Severus said calmly. leaning down to suck on Harry's Adams apple unabashedly.

"I'll c...call back tomorrow." He said quickly, his head disappearing.

Severus smirked to himself, Harry had his eyebrow raised at him.

"You _said_ you turned off the floo." He said finally.

"Three _weeks_ I've been waiting for this to happen."

" _Severus_!"

" _What_?! It should stop him just popping up at random times!"

*** * ***

" _No_!" Severus said, turning away clearly done with their argument.

" _Please_. Why can't we keep him?" Harry asked, holding up the dog he had found running around outside obviously lost.

"He belongs to someone." Severus said, rolling his eyes. "And I don't _want_ a dog. I've enough trouble looking after _you!_ "

Harry folded his arms pouting. "But his name is Harry. I think it's a sign."

" _I_ think you have a common name." Severus returned. "We're _not_ keeping him." Harry opened his mouth to argue back but Severus held up a finger to stop him. "It can stay until we find the owner."

" _He_. And what if we can't find the owner." Harry asked, rubbing his face against the dogs neck.

"Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to." Severus stated, leaving the room.

  


_**Later...** _

Harry was out getting supplies for the dog and putting an ad in the Daily Prophet, while Severus was unwillingly stuck looking after it. Severus heard someone knock on the door and gave a groan - as if he didn't have enough to do. He grabbed Harry the dog, conjuring a collar and lead, slipping it over his head and tying him to the end of the bed.

"Just stay there." Severus grumbled before leaving the room.

"Yes, yes I'm coming. Hold your horses." Severus shouted at the door someone was hammering at before opening it. "Oh, it's you."

" _Hi_ to you too." Ron returned, crossing his arms. "Is Harry here?"

"He's a bit tied up right now." Severus dead-panned, not in the mood for making small talk.

"Well, he said I could borrow his _Q_ _uidditch_ _T_ _hrough_ _T_ _he_ _A_ _ges._ "

"And I care _because_?" Severus sighed, hearing noises from the bedroom.

"I just want to borrow the book, he won't mind." Ron said, trying not to get angry.

"Fine, whatever?" Severus stood back waving Ron into the room. He looked back at the bedroom door and shook his head. "It should be over there." He pointed to the book shelf. "I need to check on Harry, I can only leave him tied to the bed for a while before he starts whining." He swept out of the room.

Ron's eyes widened - he really didn't need to know that but he took a breath. ' _You're an adult like them this is fine just get the book and leave. And never speak of this again._ ' His thoughts were cut off by Severus' voice.

" _Bad_ boy! Stop licking _that_!"

Ron blushed, ducking his head down trying to find the book.

"I said get your tongue _out_ of there! You've drooled all over the bed! Don't pant at me like that! I'm going to get a towel! _Don't_. _Move_. Or you will regret it." Severus growled, walking back into the living room to go into the cupboard.

Raising an eyebrow at Ron who looked incredibly uncomfortable.

"What's up with you?" He asked, reaching up to grab some towels.

"I... erm... couldn't find the book, I'll come back some other time." He said, leaving quickly.

Severus shrugged confused. "I don't know what Harry sees in those friends of his. They're both _weird_." He said, putting the towels down on the bed and pausing for a second to look at the dog. "And I'm talking to a dog. I blame Harry for _all_ of this." He narrowed his eyes at the panting dog looking up at him. "I'm just not sure which one."


	47. Mr & Mr Snape: Franklin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry wants something small & cute, Severus already has Harry.

"Severus, I want a hamster!" Harry said, padding into the kitchen in his pyjamas.

Severus was sat at the table, a newspaper in one hand and a slice of toast in the other, he looked up. "Harry, this is only the third thing you've said to me today."

"I still want a hamster."

"You said ' _good morning_ ', then you asked me what was for breakfast," Severus said, counting out what Harry has said to him that morning. "Yeah... this is the third thing you've said to me all day."

_"Please_ Severus." Harry implored, tugging on Severus' sleeve.

"No, Harry. I'll end up looking after it. What do you want a hamster for anyway?"

"Because they're cute and little."

"I already have you for that." Severus smirked.

_"Arse."_ Harry muttered. "What about a bird? Or a lizard? A snake?"

"We are _not_ getting a snake."

"Why?"

"What, so you can randomly start complaining to it about me while I'm in the room."

"I would _never."_ Harry said mock scandalised, putting a hand over his heart.

"Harry, you already hiss at me when we argue." Severus raised an eyebrow.

Harry laughed, he knew Severus hated it when he called him things in parseltongue since he didn't know what he was saying. "Not a snake then, _fine!_ Can I still have a pet? Just something small; I always wanted one but I couldn't, you know, because I was kept in a cupboard." Harry mumbled the last bit, looking down and trying his best to be as adorable as possible.

"You're a bastard, you know that?" Severus said, Harry didn't do it often but it never failed when he brought up his past. " _Fine_ , we can get a pet. Nothing big though, nothing bigger than a rat."

"Not even a bird?"

"Definitely not, do you know how screechy they are?"

"What about a bunny?"

"Is it bigger than a rat?" Severus asked, raising an eyebrow at Harry, who sighed a yes. "Then no."

*** * ***

Later, they were wandering around Diagon Alley heading towards the pet shop after a short detour to Florean Fortescue's.

"What if one speaks to me?" Harry asked.

"Do you mean literally, because if it's a snake you talk back." Severus shrugged, already regretting agreeing.

"No, I mean like if something touches my heart."

"As long as it's smaller than a rat you can have it."

"Hey, I didn't even think about getting one of _them._ " Harry said, pointing to a tank with a giant snail in it. "We could call it Horace."

"I thought you wanted something small and cute." Severus pointed out, not enamoured with the idea of looking after a giant snail.

"What about a turtle?" Harry asked, moving onto the next tank.

" _That_ , is a tortoise and _that_ , is how much it costs." Severus gestured towards the label.

"Shit, why are they so expensive?" Harry asked, his eyes widening at the label.

"I don't know! I think the hamsters are over there." They started walking towards all the furry little animals curled up sleeping because it was the middle of the day.

"Awww, look at the little guys. Hi bud!" Harry bent down to look into the tank properly. "Look at that one, it's so hairy."

"That one looks scrotum" Severus said, pointing to a small pink hairless one.

"Gross, there's _children_ here Severus."

"Still looks like a scrotum" Severus shrugged. "Are you going to pick something?"

"We'll need to give it a good name." Harry said, looking around the shelves, he wasn't sure whether to pick the name or the pet first. "Should we pick the pet or the name first?"

"Picking the name first is how you end up with a ginger cat called Shadow, or a black cat named Snowball."

"True! These rats can do double-dutch." Harry watched them in awe, before moving on the the next cage. "I wonder why this one's on his own." Harry thought aloud.

Severus started reading the information stuck to the cage. " _We can only be kept separately and should not be brought in pairs_."

"But why?" Harry asked.

"I don't know, that's all it says." Severus looked around for more answers.

"It looks lonely... maybe we should get one." Harry said, looking at the sleeping little rat.

"I think I know why it has to be kept on its own." Severus began, Harry looked up curiously. " _The Japanese Ball-Ripper_.”

"Let's... _not_ get one." Harry said, stepping back slowly.

"I don't think you need to be that worried." Severus laughed looking down at the rat, the laugh woke the rat up & it jumped up at the cage growling ferally, Severus jumped back. "Okay let's go." He said, ushering Harry away.

As he did so Harry saw the most adorable little hamster he'd ever seen. It was light brown on top with splashes of dark brown and black and a white belly, with tiny pink feet and a little pink nose.

"This one," Harry said poking at the glass. "I want _this_ one."

Severus stood behind him looking at the hamster. "It _is_ very cute; alright, I'll go pay for him."

They paid for the hamster, carrying him away in a cardboard box, after getting all the things they would need to keep the hamster. They took it home and set everything up.

"We still need a name for him." Harry said, cooing at the hamster rolling around in his palms.

"He's your hamster."

"Okay, erm, Franklin." He said, Severus shook his head at his ridiculous husband, regretting letting him pick the name. "Yeah, _Franklin._ "


	48. Mr & Mr Snape - Shaving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry wants to try something 'sexy', Severus isn't convinced.

Severus rubbed shaving foam over his face sleepily, vaguely aware he was being watched. He turned around to see Harry staring at him, he yawned before asking. "Do you _have_ to stare at me like that?!"

"Yes. Can I shave you?"

Severus laughed loudly, then saw Harry's face. "Oh, you weren't joking. No, you _really_ can't."

"Okay rude, but why not?" Harry asked, crossing his arms.

"You have never shaved anything before, it's a _blade_ near my _face_ and it's _you._ Should I go on?"

"Still rude! Please, I saw it on James Bond, it's supposed to be sexy."

"I can't see anything sexy in letting you near my face with a sharp blade. I also don't want to do anything that that wazzock has done."

"But I don't have any hair to shave," Harry said, his tone suddenly turning sad. "It's probably because of the malnutrition... you know, from being kept in a cupboard and not fed as a child."

"You can't use that as an excuse _every_ time I won't let you do something." Severus said, lifting his razor and turning back to the mirror, he went to start shaving but caught a glimpse of Harry pouting behind him. He sighed. " _Fine_ , but you better be fucking careful."

"Yay," Harry said happily, and Severus would be lying if he said it wasn't worth it. "I'll be _sooo_ careful."

"Here," Severus handed him his safety razor. "Be gentle or I'm going to be bleeding all over the place."

"Shit, that's sharp." Harry said, looking down at it.

"I'm just glad I don't use a straight razor! Hold it like this, at about a 45 degree angle." Severus explained, positioning Harry's hand. "Perfect, then don't press down, just let the weight of it do it."

"Should shaving be this hard?" Harry asked looking confused.

"It's not hard, and don't look at me like that... it doesn't exactly fill me with confidence."

"But now I'm scared! What if I cut you?"

"Don't be scared, you _definitely_ will."

" _What_?!"

"Well, you probably will. I'm prepared for it."

"Promise you'll still love me if I do?"

"My feelings are unlikely to change because you nick me while shaving me, but yes, fine, I promise."

*** * ***

"Okay, you can look now." Harry said, smiling at his masterpiece.

"Is there blood?" Severus asked cautiously.

"No! Look." Harry pointed to the mirror.

"Harry," Severus started. "You barely shaved me." Severus ran his fingers over his - still pretty hairy - face. Harry had managed to get most of the large sections, like his cheeks, but had panicked when it came to his chin and above his top lip. He lifted his head up to look at his neck. "Why have you left me a neck-beard?"

"Neck-beard?"

"All this hair on my neck?"

"I was supposed to do the _neck_?"

"You don't just leave the hairy neck." Severus chuckled.

"Are you going to rate it?"

"I don't think you'd want me to."

"That's just mean! _I_ think I did a great job." Severus raised an eyebrow in disbelief. "Okay, minus the neck-beard, and the chin and stuff. I wanted to err on the side of caution."

"It wasn't the worst, and you didn't cut me which is impressive, but will you let me do it properly now?"

"Only if you keep the neck-beard."

"The neck-beard is going." Severus said, smearing shaving foam over his neck and looking in the mirror getting all the areas Harry missed.

"I can't believe you killed my neck-beard."

"It's a tragedy." Severus stated sardonically.

"Did you change your mind on it being sexy?" Harry asked, wiggling his eyebrows.

"No, it was the most stressful thing I've ever been through and I was a spy in a war."

"Oh." Harry said sadly.

"You can join me for a shower afterwards though if you like." Severus offered. Harry's face lit up.


	49. Mr & Mr Snape: Spinner's End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry & Snape take a trip to Spinner's End & Harry discovers proof that Severus was once very cute, much to Snape's disgust.

"Did you ever _clean_ when you lived here?" Harry asked, looking around the small dank house. They were at Spinner's End. Severus was putting the place up for sale, which meant taking anything he wanted to keep back to their house, or to the school, and anything he didn't want could go in the trash - which so far seemed to be everything in the place.

 

"I haven't been here for _years,_ and when I did live here it was only a few weeks out of the year." Severus rebutted, defensively. "There was no point in cleaning most of the rooms, since I didn't use them."

 

"I guess but that just means there's so much work _now."_ Harry groaned, flopping back on the floor and turning his head to look inside the cupboard, now content to do the rest of this work lying down. He pulled a few more things out and held them up to Severus, but so far the only things he was _'keeping'_ were old textbooks he was going to give to the school library. "Don't you want to keep _any_ of this stuff?" Harry asked.

 

Severus shrugged. "It's all my parent's, it's all rubbish." He said, before seeing Harry's face and back tracking. "It's not sentimental or anything, I have what I need to remember them."

 

Harry nodded. _"Right..."_ He turned back to his work, pulling down what he figured would be another textbook... that seemed to be all the books in this place were. He saw he was wrong when he looked at the front however, seeing a small picture of Snape as a child, the name Snape and the words ' _Severus' Memories_ ' written neatly above it. "Oh my God!" Harry said sitting up. Severus looked up, his eyes widening at what Harry was holding.

 

"Give that to me." He said reaching for it, Harry dodged with his seeker reflexes, jumping to his feet and running full pelt out of the room.

 

Severus scrambled up, following him as he ran down the hall and up the stairs. Harry opened the book flicking through it as he went. Finally Severus got him cornered in what Harry guessed was Severus' childhood bedroom.

 

It wasn't much of a bedroom, or much of a room really, it was a box room, not as small as Harry's cupboard but _definitely_ smaller than the room the Dursley's begrudgingly gave him. The furniture consisted of a single bed, that looked like it was barely hanging on, a small two door wardrobe, a bedside table and a lamp. The room itself was miserable, and covered in a layer of dust three inches thick. What was adorable was the Slytherin flag pinned on the wall above his bed, reminding Harry of his own Gryffindor one he'd pinned over his own bed at the Dursley's - he knew he still had it somewhere and he was suddenly inspired to dig it out of wherever he had shoved it. There were a couple muggle posters for bands; Queen, Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin and the Rolling Stones.

 

He smirked to himself before looking back at the album. "Wow, even as a baby your eyes were completely black." Harry said in disbelief.

 

"Well, we can't all have eye's ' _the colour of fresh pickled toads_ '." Severus sneered, not at all happy that Harry was looking through his baby photos, or that he'd made him follow him all the way upstairs.

 

"I told you _never_ to bring that up again." Harry glared, suddenly serious.

 

"And _I_ told you to give that to me." Severus argued.

 

"But look at you!" Harry cooed, holding the album up for Severus to see. "Can I at least keep the one of you nude on the rug?" Harry asked with a pout, Severus looked too damn cute as a baby.

 

"Don't you have enough of those?" Severus asked with a smoulder

 

"Not one we can show people or put up in the house." Harry said, already imagining the perfect place to put it, in a little frame on the mantle piece.

 

"We are _not_ showing anyone these pictures of me. _Especially_ not naked as a baby."

 

"But you look so _cute."_

 

"You know I abhor it when you call me that."

 

"Adorable?"

 

"That's _not_ any better."

 

"Endearing, lovable, sweet, delightful, darling, enchanting?" Harry tried.

 

"I didn't even know you _knew_ that many words."

 

"It's being married to a thesaurus, you've probably rubbed off on me."

 

"I've _definitely_ rubbed off on you... many times."

 

"You're actually impossible." Harry laughed. "Can we _please_ keep the album?" Harry looked up at Severus pleadingly.

 

Severus sighed. "Fine, I'll take it down to the keep pile." He grumbled leaving.

 

Harry went to leave too but turned back to look at the room again; without really thinking he reached up and took the Slytherin flag off the wall. He shook it to get rid of most of the dust then folded it carefully and put it in his pocket.

 

"Why are you taking so long?" Severus asked, coming back to the door.

 

"Just looking at the posters. Pink Floyd, _really?"_ Harry asked, smoothing his pocket and hoping Severus wouldn't notice. "I wouldn't have thought you'd agreed with their message. ' _We don't need no education?_ '"

 

"What can I say? I was a rebellious youth. Now come on, we've got lots more stuff to get through."


	50. Mr & Mr Snape: Snape's Reasons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Severus always has a reason why he can't go to the Burrow - sometimes those reasons are... interesting.

Reasons Severus has used to get out of going to the Burrow.

 

 

1\. "All that ginger in one place, it makes me nauseous."

 

2\. "Cough, cough, I think I have the plague."

 

3\. "It's too hot."

 

4\. "It's too cold."

 

5\. "It's raining."

 

6\. "I've developed a phobia of red hair."

 

7\. "I've accidentally set fire to all my clothes in a freak accident, and it would be inappropriate to go naked."

 

8\. "I accidentally stuck myself to my chair with a Semi-Permanent Sticking Charm that will conveniently wear off after you come back."

 

9\. "I died in a tragic broom accident."

 

10\. "Severus died several years ago... but they say he still wanders the halls."

 

11\. "I've developed Tourettes and can't stop calling Ginny a whore."

 

12\. "My medi-wizard says I should stay away from bright colours."

 

13\. "I've developed the urge to go to the dentist instead."

 

14\. "I've been possessed by Moaning Myrtle."

 

15\. "If I spend one more hour in the company of Weasley's, I'm going to become the next Dark Lord."

 

16\. "Ginger clashes with my outfit."

 

17\. "Here's a note from my mom to say I can't do it today."

 

18\. "I'm surfing the crimson tide."

 

19\. "Who are _you_? Who am _I_? _Where_ am I? What's a _weasel_?"

 

20\. "I'm sorry I can't come to the phone right now, please leave your message after the tone."

 

21\. "But ' _Friends_ ' is on."

 

22\. "A Niffler jumped down my trousers and it's _definitely_ found treasure."

 

23\. "I've been cursed with the inability to lie."

 

24\. "Last time I went I was groped by the family ghoul!"

 

25\. "The gnomes leer at me through the window."

 

26\. "I don't want to!"

 

27\. "I've been reading a self help book, and it says I should start saying no more and be more assertive."

 

28\. "My horoscope said Jupiter's rising, and apparently that's bad."

 

29\. "A magic eight ball told me to ask again later, so I'm going to stay in and do that."

 

30\. "Trelawny told me the signs said I'd die if I went out."

 

31\. "I stepped on a lego, today is clearly not a good day. It went right into my heel!"

 

32\. "Mrs Weasley insists on hugging me and her breasts scare me."

 

32\. "I'm scared all the rampant heterosexuality is catching."

 

33\. "A student told me to get fucked and I was hoping I would tonight."

 

34\. "I'm watching ' _Vets In Practice_ ' and I want to see if the gerbil lives."

 

35\. "I need to find out who shot Mr Burns."

 

 

"Fine then Severus... but Charlie's gonna be there."

 

"I'll get my cloak."


	51. Mr & Mr Snape: Sex Is Off

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Severus is missing out, so does everyone else.

"I don't know why you're being so pissy." Severus yelled, he and Harry had been arguing over something for a while.

 

"Oh, _I'm_ being pissy?"

 

"Yes, you _are_!"

 

"You know what?! That's. It! Sex is off!"

 

"So you're just going to withhold sex from me now?! _Really_?!"

 

" _Yes_!" Harry yelled.

 

" _Fine_!" Severus shouted, turning around and stalking towards the front door.

 

"Where are you going?" Harry asked, not able to keep the annoyance out of his voice.

 

"I'm going to the Astronomy tower. If _I'm_ not getting any fun tonight, I'm going make damn well sure no one else is!" He said, storming out of the door, slamming it as he left.

 

Harry rolled his eyes, he'd have thought it was funny if Severus wasn't being such a twat.

 

*** * ***

 

It was a few days later and they were both still in awful moods, neither wanting to apologise because neither of them thought they had done anything wrong. Sex was still off, so any pent up tension was still very much pent up, and handling it themselves just wasn't the same.

 

Harry was wandering down the corridor when some teenagers jumped out at him and cornered him.

 

"You _have_ to make up with Snape." One of them said.

 

"Whatever he's done just apologise, we're sure he didn't mean it." Said another.

 

" _What_?!" Harry asked, he had no idea how so many kids knew about their love life but it was unnerving. " What are you _talking_ about?"

 

"You've clearly fallen out with Sir and you _need_ to say sorry."

 

"Yeah, or we're never gonna get laid again!"

 

"I... errr..." Harry didn't know what to say.

 

"He's being sooo grouchy _and_ he's keeping an eye on the Astronomy tower; we can't do _anything_!"

 

"You shouldn't _be_ doing anything." Harry said, they rolled their eyes at him.

 

"Ugh, whatever, just say sorry so he's not out watching for us."

 

"I'm _not_ apologising to Severus so you lot can have sex you're not supposed to be having." Harry said, he couldn't imagine going to _his_ teacher and asking them to do that... well he supposed he wasn't their teacher, but he still didn't think he'd go to someone and say that, not even now.

 

"We thought you were cool!" They said, and stormed away.

 

"What is _wrong_ with children?" He asked himself.

 

*** * ***

 

He told Severus what had happened when he got back, it had broken the ice that had seemed to form since their argument. They both apologised anyway and Harry declared that sex was back on.

 

As they jumped into bed though to start, they couldn't help but pause for a second.

 

"Am I the only one who thinks it's weird that we know, for a fact, that our fucking right now means, that by sequence of events, there's a bunch of kids getting it on?" Harry asked.

 

"No, it's kind of awkward now."

 

"Do you think they've ruined sex for us?" Harry asked, slightly worried.

 

"I doubt it, probably just for tonight... we _could_ go ruin it for them though." Severus said with a smirk, Harry laughed his agreement and soon they were off, fully dressed to the Astronomy tower, herding children out as fast as they could.

 

Soon all the grumbling, half-dressed teens had left and it was just Harry and Severus standing in the Astronomy tower, looking up at the stars sparkling above them.

 

"I can see why people come here, it's pretty." Harry said, looking up.

 

Severus nodded. "It is a nice spot, I never actually came up here with anyone when I was at school."

 

"Neither did I." Harry said, thoughtfully. "Shame, it's a good spot."

 

It didn't take much more than that before they were on the floor together, undoing each others clothes hastily.

 

They were so busy they didn't hear the footsteps on the stairs.

 

" _Fuck_ , Sir!" A boy's voice exclaimed.

 

Harry and Severus looked up shocked. "It's not what it looks like." Harry said quickly.

 

"Yeah, we're just wrestling." Severus said sarcastically, thinking it was pointless trying to lie to a child who had gone up there for that purpose and, unless he was doing it very wrong, would be able to recognise what they were doing.

 

"I came for my shirt." The boy said pointing to it, Severus reach out and threw it back to him.

 

"We didn't see you, and you didn't see us." Severus said, with no room to disagree.

 

"Does that mean I don't have detention?" He asked eagerly, Severus nodded. " _Wicked._ "

 

"Quite, now..." Severus was cut off by a girl coming up the stairs.

 

"Why are you taking... Nice one, Sir." She said, noticing the men on the floor still. Severus rolled his eyes, this could only happen to them.

 

"Come on, we haven't got detention any more."

 

" _Yes!_ " She said happily. "Ta, Sir." And with that they left.

 

"Well, that was awkward." Harry said, turning to Severus. "Shall we...?"

 

"Yes, lets." Severus said. They gathered their clothes and headed back to their rooms to finish things there.


	52. Mr & Mr Snape: TV Habits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just Harry & Severus bickering as usual.

"You make noises, Harry."

 

"Like _what_?"

 

"We'll be watching something and you'll start clucking."

 

"I _don't_ cluck."

 

"And you 'bleh'."

 

"I have _never_ 'bleh'ed."

 

"You _do_! You just sit there watching things and you'll go ' _bleh_ '."

 

"Do I?"

 

"Yes."

 

"What do you think it is?"

 

"Annoying."

 

"Well, no one _else_ has complained about it."

 

"Oh great, so of all the people you've known _I'm_ the only one that makes you go ' _bleh_ '."

 

"Well, at least I don't _shout_ at it. I came in once and you were shouting ' _Pickles, it's pickles, you idiots!_ ' at The Chase."

 

"I _was_ pickles."

 

"The whole _school_ didn't need to know that! You also shout out who the murderer is when we watch mysteries together."

 

"At least I don't always blame it on the butler, even when there _isn't_ a butler or they died in the first ten minutes. Seriously, you'd think a bloody butler killed your parents."

 

"It's _always_ the butler."

 

" _And_ when we watch crime documentaries you say all of them look like ' _wronguns_ '."

 

"Yeah, and they always slaughter their families... can you tell me I'm wrong?"


	53. Mr & Mr Snape: Engaged

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Severus is hiding things under his pillow.

Harry stood facing the dresser; he heard Severus come into the room grumpily and get into bed, ignoring him he finished getting his pyjamas on. He walked round to his side of the bed but before he could get in Severus had grabbed the whole quilt and pulled it over himself. Now Harry _knew_ he had definitely done something wrong, he just wasn't sure which of the things he'd done Severus knew about.

He got into bed, Severus rolled over testily and Harry sighed. "What's wrong?"

"Why would anything be wrong?" Severus asked in return, still not facing him.

"Because whenever I get into bed and you do that it means something's wrong." Harry pointed out.

"No." Severus shrugged, not appreciating how predictable he apparently was.

"Alright then," Harry said. "No..." He went to Nox the lights but Severus cut in, rolling over and pulling something from under his pillow all in one swift motion. He dumped a load of wrappers onto Harry's lap.

"What's this?" He asked.

"Do you know where they might have come from?"

"Under the pillow?" Harry asked, slightly confused. "Do you always keep those under your pillow?"

"No," Severus grumbled, annoyed Harry wasn't taking it seriously. "I was cleaning out the shed today." He said, curious to see Harry's reaction; Harry didn't disappoint, he _definitely_ knew where the wrappers had come from now. Harry spluttered, he'd forgotten all about them. "You remember?" Severus raised an eyebrow cockily. "You _said_ you had no idea where all that candy went."

"I told you..."

"And don't blame it on Nargles, they don't exist."

Harry pouted. "Fine, it was me... but in my defence, I didn't think you'd find out."

"Oh, that makes it _much_ better," Severus glared at him his arms crossed, but his eyes were crinkled at the corners showing his amusement. "I'm not _trying_ to be mean, limiting your sweets, I just want you to live a long time." He said, pressing a kiss to Harry's head and magicking away the wrappers.

"I'm glad to hear that," Harry replied. "I want you to live a long time too. Now, I'm going to sleep, unless you've got something else under your pillow you want to confront me with."

"I _have_ actually." Severus smirked.

"Oh?" Harry tried to see what Severus was pulling out from under his pillow, curious.

"Well, not confront, more just _ask."_ He held up a small black box, opening it to reveal a ring. It was a simple ring, just a plain gold band, though Harry couldn't see that yet, or much of anything really, all he could see was a blurry Severus through all the tears threatening to fall. "I love you, Harry. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, will you marry me?" He asked nervously - he knew most people would want something big and in a more romantic place than bed but he didn't think Harry would want much attention, he'd had enough of that for two lifetimes. Besides if he tried to propose to Harry in the Wizarding world people would probably chant ' _say no_ ', not many people were as readily forgiving as Harry was when it came to Severus.

"Of course I will, dumbass." Harry said, flinging his arms around Severus and squeezing him tight.

"Good, I'm glad," Severus said, slipping the ring onto Harry's finger, they lay down snuggled up close. "Night then." Severus mumbled, closing his eyes, ready to sleep.

Harry gave a half chuckle, half sigh and nuzzled into Severus' side. "Night! Nox."


	54. Mr & Mr Snape: Bert

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Severus has a secret bath time friend.

Harry had noticed, during several years of being married to Severus, that Severus almost never had a bath. He'd have showers obviously, but he wouldn't have baths. Except when Harry was out. Occasionally, when Harry would go out, Severus would have a bath but it was always over once Harry was back.

At first Harry had just thought Severus was adverse to baths, but when he realised he was bathing when he was out it dawned on him that Severus wasn't adverse to baths... he was adverse to bathing when _Harry_ was in the house.

Harry didn't know why, and wasn't really that bothered about asking. Sometimes he would remember, sometimes he wouldn't, but he didn't care, it didn't seem like it was such a bad thing and he didn't mind Severus having his little secrets.

So it was a complete accident when he came home earlier than expected and could hear Severus in the bathroom. He could hear quiet splashes and the sound of Severus' voice, muffled through the door. He crept closer; the door opened easily, neither of them ever bothered to lock the doors. Not unless they had company.

Once the door was open he could hear Severus clearly:

♫ " _Bert the rhinoceros, you're so fine-oceros._ "♫ He was singing.

Harry gave a giggle – Severus was laying in a bath, surrounded by bubbles, holding up a toy rhino that he was apparently serenading. Severus jumped, shoving the rhino under the water, pretending as though nothing was there.

"How long have you been...?" He asked, trailing off before he could ask how long Harry had been watching him, his face was bright red and he couldn't look Harry in the eye.

Harry walked over to stand next to the tub, he kissed Severus' cheek before reaching into the water, pulling out the rhino. "Not long," He answered, looking at the toy. "Hello Bert." He smirked and Severus rolled his eyes, snatching Bert out of Harry hands.

"Why are you back so early?" Severus asked, trying to change the topic.

"It ended quicker than I expected," Harry shrugged. "Is this why you only have baths while I'm out?" Severus blushed more.

"Perhaps." He said, quietly.

"You always bathe with Bert?" Harry asked.

"Yes."

"And the bubbles?"

"Always."

"The song?"

"Mandatory."

"Okay then." Harry said, starting to leave the room.

"That's it?" Severus asked.

"What's what?" Harry asked, stopping and stepping back near the bath.

"You don't think it's weird?"

"Oh, it's _definitely_ weird, but it doesn't bother me," Harry replied. "It's actually kinda adorable."

"I'm _not_ adorable." Severus grumbled, crossing his arms.

Harry scooped up some bubbles. "Of course you're not." He smirked, blowing them at a grumpy Severus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For my brother, who said I wouldn't.


	55. Mr & Mr Snape: Horoscopes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Severus isn't impressed by horoscopes.

"Are you reading that insipid magazine _again_?" Severus sighed, dropping down next to Harry at the kitchen table.

"It's interesting, if a little insane. There's horoscopes now."

"Merlin help us!"

"Some of them can be scarily accurate."

"I'm sure."

"You don't believe it then?"

"Harry, I don't even believe that's a woman! It's probably some middle-aged Wizard trying to makes some easy money."

"Well, _I_ do. I think there's really some merit in it. She _knows._ " He said, ominously.

"How _can_ she know?" Severus asked.

"I don't know, she just _can._ What's your sign?"

"' _Stop_ '." Severus said with a smirk.

"Don't be an idiot!"

"Alright, ' _Dangerous Curves_ '." Harry just glared at him. " _Fine_ , Capricorn."

"You _do_ read them."

"No, I don't... I just know my sign."

"Whatever, listen."

"I'm not listening." Severus warned, rolling his eyes.

" _Beware..._ "

"Oh no, what?"

"See! You _do_ care."


	56. Mr & Mr Snape: Golf

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry really likes golf, Severus doesn't.

"Harry, will you stop recording the golf."

"Why?"

"It's _ridiculously_ bad."

"It's great! I think I'm getting into it."

"It's so _boring!_ They hit the ball and then they point the camera at the sky for a while."

"It's _much_ better than that."

"It's really not, and stop recording it or it records instead of my ' _Homes Under The Hammer_ '."

"Now _that's_ boring."

*** * ***

Harry lay on his back with Severus between his legs, kissing his neck as he pulled Harry's underwear down with one hand.

"Do you want me to bang it in or slip it in gently?" Severus asked with a smirk, Harry looked up with a raised eyebrow at the golf term but said nothing. Severus pushed in gently. "Hole in one." He laughed.

"Oh. My. _God._ Stop!"

"I snuck that in the backdoor." He chuckled. "Want to change positions? I like you with your head down and your legs spread."

"You know a lot about golf for someone who doesn't like it." Harry grumbled.

"I'm a fairway up." He sniggered, Harry groaned getting more irritated. "Come on, you've got to admit I'm above par."

"Nope that's it! I'm done, get off." Harry said, pushing Severus off him before rolling over.

Severus allowed himself to be pushed onto the bed, laughing to himself as he lay on his back. "Should I assume you don't want the recorded episodes of the golf any more?"

"Bugger off!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm SO sorry! I have no excuse for this, apart from the fact I love silly puns & word play.


	57. Mr & Mr Snape: Exercise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry decides to get into exercising, Severus is not convinced.

"We have _not_ been married long enough for you to be wearing things like _that._ " Severus pointed out, as Harry entered the room dressed from head to toe in Lycra.

"We've been married _eight years_." Harry laughed.

"Exactly, why not give it another eight and try again?" Severus implored.

"In another eight I'll look ridiculous in this."

"Because you don't now?!"

"I'm going to work out." Harry said, proudly.

_"Sure..."_ Severus was clearly disbelieving.

"What?" Harry demanded.

"As you have already mentioned, we've been married eight years - in that time you have not worked out once."

"I bought that treadmill!"

"Emphasis on _bought,_ you never use it. You bought one and now we hang our washing on it. Then there's the bike you bought a few months ago! You bought, it parked it in the middle of the hall, and now I have some fresh scars on my shins trying to squeeze past it to go to the toilet during the night but otherwise you've barely looked at it. And the bread maker..."

"What does the _bread maker_ have to do with me working out?"

"Nothing, but you bought it and you never make any bread, now it's just taking up space in my kitchen." Severus grumbled bitterly. It was even more irritating that every time Harry bought something like that he would point out the ridiculousness and how pointless it was, but Harry would nevertheless buy it and at first the satisfaction of being right was nice - but then he had to live with Harry's half finished projects and things he was ' _definitely going to get round too_ ' or things he just hadn't ' _had the time to start_ '.

"Well, bread maker and treadmill aside, I'm actually about to go out with the bike. I was just waiting until I had all the things."

"What more do you _need_ than a bike and legs?" Severus asked - he fully supported the idea of Harry exercising just didn't actually believe it would happen.

"The clothes, obviously a helmet, some special shoes and things that clip your feet to the pedals, oh, and a water bottle I can attach to the cross bar." Harry answered excitedly.

"I agree with the helmet, everything else is complete rubbish and whoever sold it to you is laughing all the way to the bank with the commission you probably got them."

"It's _not_ rubbish, he explained all the purposes when I was at the shop. It's to help you do it properly, I'm trying to take it seriously."

"You're the only one taking _anything_ seriously while you're dressed like that."

"I wouldn't expect you to understand," Harry said, looking away haughtily, crossing his arms. "These clothes are to make me more aerodynamic."

"You know what else cyclists do to make themselves more aerodynamic." Severus purred, with a smoulder.

"You already know I'm shaved." Harry giggled and let Severus' hand wander up his leg.

"I was talking about removing a bollock." Severus laughed, pulling his hand away... he didn't need to look up to know he was being glared at.

_"Eww!_ I'm leaving." Harry said turning and doing just that, taking his bike, and all the other related paraphernalia with him. "And _nobody_ does that!"


	58. Mr & Mr Snape: Interview

Severus woke up hearing Harry across the room. It was unusual for Harry to wake up first, but Severus knew why Harry had got up so early today. Trying not to let on he was awake he looked down to the end of the bed, watching his bizarre husband introduce himself to a dressing gown hanging on their wardrobe door.

"Hello," He said, holding out his hand to shake the dressing gown's none existent one.

"No, you're not eleven." He grumbled to himself, taking a step back and trying again.

"How do you do? Ugh, you're not their bloody bank manager." He sighed, stepping back once again and walking forwards his hand raised.

"No, you definitely can't greet them with a high five! Okay, erm... Hello, I'm Harry Potter..."

"Yes, we know who you are." Severus replied from under the covers. Harry jumped, clutching his chest.

" _Merlin_ , Severus! You scared me half to death." He said, breathing heavily before going to lie on the bed next to his husband.

"What are you _doing_?" Severus asked with a chuckle, pulling Harry towards him.

"I've got that job interview today." Harry said, he knew he sounded nervous but he was also excited. It was going to be his first proper job, after the war he hadn't wanted to do anything for a while, he'd gone back to get his NEWT's but nothing other than that.

He'd thought of going to Auror training after that, but he'd had enough action for a lifetime so instead he settled down with Severus - it was still the best decision he'd ever made. As time wore on though he was getting bored so Severus suggested he get a job, it didn't have to be something big or heroic... just a job.

"You'll be great," Severus said kissing Harry's neck, calming his nerves slightly. "I doubt there's _anyone_ who knows more about cake than you."

"I'll have to leave soon, I don't want to be late." Harry mumbled, but he really didn't want to get up.

"It wouldn't be the best impression," Severus agreed, sitting up and pulling Harry up with him before he decided to go back to sleep. "If you get the job bring home a celebration cake." He said, rubbing his nose behind Harry's ear.

"What if I don't get it?" Harry asked anxiously.

"In that unlikely event, bring home a consolation cake." Severus replied, Harry nodded.

"Deal."


	59. Mr & Mr Snape: Ad Break

Harry turned off the TV. Severus sat up and glared at him. "Whoa, whoa! What are you _doing?"_

"Severus, I want to talk to you seriously about something."

"That's what ad breaks are for!"

"Severus..."

"Has someone died?"

"No..."

"Is it snowing?"

"Not in _June."_

"Are you leaving me?"

"Of course not!"

"Then put the TV back on, it can wait." Severus said, sitting back. Harry grumbled but relented, turning the television back on.

_"Third?!"_ Harry said suddenly, after a minute or so of silence. "Really, _third?_ After the _snow?!"_


	60. Mr & Mr Snape: Cold Feet

"Ow! What _is_ that?" Severus said with a start as he got into bed.

"What?" Harry asked, climbing into bed too.

"Something's burning my leg." Severus grumbled, moving his leg away and lifting the quilt to see what it was.

"Oh, my hot water bottle, kick it over to my side."

"Kick it over?! I don't even want to be in the same _bed_ as it, it's boiling! What did you do? Fill it with lava?!" Severus asked sardonically.

"It's _supposed_ to be hot, it's to keep my feet warm."

"Well it's burning my shins!"

"You're so dramatic, we're in a _dungeon,_ it's cold."

"That doesn't mean you have to try and set the bed on fire," Severus tutted, Harry's shoulders shook slightly with contained laughter. "What?"

"Would that be mattresside?" Harry answered snorting, Severus shook his head and rolled his eyes.

"Whatever, as long as you keep everything to your side."

"Do I have to keep _everything_ to my side?" Harry asked suggestively, wrapping his arms around Severus and letting his feet rub against his legs.

"Are those _bed socks_?!"

"I'm _cold_!"

"It's nice to know you weren't planning on sex tonight, those are passion killers if I ever saw them." Severus said, looking under the covers and seeing Harry's woolly socks with a pompom affixed to each big toe.

" _Rude_!" Harry pouted, crossing his arms. "Mrs Weasley made them for me."

"I always thought she was trying to sabotage our sex life. It's no wonder you can't feel that heat, those are thicker than dragon hide."

"Aren't you always complaining about me putting my cold feet on you."

"I suppose... it will keep those knives you call toenails away from me too."

*** * ***

_Several days later._

"What _is_ that?"

"What?"

"Harry..." Severus said with despair, pulling out a sock that Harry must have kicked off during the night. He felt another and soon he had pulled out five, and could feel more down by his feet . "This seriously needs to stop."


	61. Mr & Mr Snape: Mugs

"We're doing that now, are we?" Severus huffed walking into the kitchen where Harry was standing with, leaning against the counter, drinking out of a gold mug with wings and the words ' _ **I'm A Catch**_ ' in bold on the side.

"What?"

"Novelty mugs." He gestured to the mug in Harry's hand, Harry looked down at it.

"Are we forgetting about your ' _ **I'm Feeling Horny!**_ ' mug? With the rhino?"

_"You_ brought me that."

"Still proves we do them, and have done for years."

"No, _you_ do them, I tolerate them because you think you're funny."

_"Just_ tolerate them? Is that why you've been hiding it every time Ron comes round? Ever since you saw him drinking out of it?" Harry asked with raised eyebrows and a smirk.

"No idea what you mean." Severus lifted his head indignantly.

"You looked ready to hex him."

"That's merely my face when he's around."


	62. Mr & Mr Snape: Valentine's Day

After a few years Valentine's Day starts to wear on you and become more of a chore than a day to declare love. After _decades_ of being married it wasn't really necessary, they were both aware how the other felt for them, and didn't need a day to show that. At least they didn't need _another_ day... they already had Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries and Tuesdays - honestly, if you asked anyone, the only time they really stopped was for arguments, but they didn't last long and were almost always resolved with sex.

Regardless, neither of them cared for Valentine's Day, but nor could they stop without offending the other so it continued every year. It was alright. A nice excuse for Severus to drip cheaper than usual melted chocolate over Harry and proceed to lick it off, and for Harry to gorge on the same cost efficient chocolate - Severus' body _not_ needed - but finding a place and being around all the couples was so much work for barely anything back.

Severus held out some roses to Harry who accepted them happily. “Mind the pricks.” Severus warned.

Harry rolled his eyes. “It's a bit late for that, we've been married for years.”

*** * ***

They entered the restaurant, sitting down and ordering. Their orders came back wrong, likely because there were so many customers due to the day, and Darrell, their waiter, had refused to write down their order.

Harry looked at Severus, waiting for him to start ranting, he'd already dealt with him the whole time they were waiting. ' _He doesn't remember our order at all_.' ' _If he can't just remember it he should just write it down I don't care how he looks I just want my food._ ' ' _He really doesn't know. '_

Luckily, Severus having already expected this outcome just kept it to a snippy remark.

“If I'd wanted someone to disregard what I want for dinner, I'd have stayed home and had my husband do it for free!”

Eventually they got the right food and settled down to eat. Severus could tell immediately that Harry's attention was on the people next to them. Harry's habit of just listening to other people's conversations bordered on obnoxious, especially since the people closest to them weren't talking and this seemed to irritate Harry even more.

“What's wrong?”

“They aren't talking.” Harry whispered, trying to be discreet.

“So?”

“It's _awkward._ Who just eats in silence?”

“Me! Given half the chance.” Severus muttered, before turning to the table next to them. “Excuse me!”

“Severus, what are you doing?” Harry asked, panicked.

“Could you _please_ talk so my husband can listen in on your conversation?” He asked pointedly, the couple stared at him in shock.

“ _Severus!”_ Harry warned, seeing his husband about to go on.

“It's just going to ruin his whole meal if you don't because he's incurably nosey.”

They looked back at each other not sure what to say, but eventually did start talking to one another.

“I can't _believe_ you did that!” Harry hissed, kicking Severus under the table.

“Ow!” Severus grumbled, rubbing his shins.

“I should have done that _before_ you started speaking. You're unbelievable.”

“Well, you do get ratty when you can't snoop.”

After dinner they ordered dessert, Harry of course having cake and getting it all over his mouth as he savaged the thing.

“You're putting people off their food.” Severus grumbled.

“Who?” Harry asked looking around.

“ _Me.”_

Harry rolled his eyes, continuing to eat with vigour.

“I can't take you _anywhere.”_ Severus tutted, wiping chocolate off Harry's chin.

“You're just smearing it.” Harry said, shoving him off.

“Well maybe I should just throw you out and get a new one.” Severus sniped.

“I'm sure it'll wash off.”

*** * ***

The end of the night came swiftly, and a _much_ nicer time at home greeted them, full of chocolate snuggles and blowjobs, then finally sleep.

“Next year we should just stay in.” Harry muttered, nuzzling Severus' side.

“Don't you want to go out?”

“No offence but I _hate_ going out. Staying in is much nicer.”

“Oh for fucks sake!” Severus groaned.

“We can still go out if you want.” Harry reassured him.

“No. I mean I've been taking you out every year thinking it's what _you_ wanted.”

“Oh. And I've been going every year thinking it's what you wanted.”

“Next time let's just be honest and agree to not get offended.” Severus said, smiling down at Harry.

“Agreed.”

“Night love.”

“Night.”


End file.
